Breakup season

Since it’s now officially spring, it is now also officially breakup season in Bloomington. Hormones have revived with new energy right along with the trees and grass. We all go through breakups, and since it’s one of those inevitable human experiences, we ought to prepare ourselves to look on the bright side. So if you happen to be going through a breakup, or if you have been cheating on your significant other and know he or she will find out soon, then this list might help you get through those trying times that all await us at some point. Here is a comprehensive list of what I deem to be the wonderful things about breaking up with someone:\n1. Depression is a great weight manager. \nDepression is a fabulous diet. One day, you’ll be so sad that you’ll forget to eat completely, and then you’ll realize that nothing matters so you gorge on a Hot Pocket, macaroni and cheese and 37 Girl Scout Cookies in one sitting. You only get to eat this erratically when you’re depressed, so enjoy it!\n2. You will inadvertently get more exercise.\nNo one to drive you to class anymore? Well, now you can walk and get some daily exercise in because you are totally alone.\n3. The worst music ever made is now acceptable.\nPull out Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart” or Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U.”\n4. Make out with anyone and feel no social repercussions.\nThis is the only time you can go out and do whatever you want with whoever you want. And if you’re a girl, then other girls can’t really talk trash about you because this is just your “transitional person.” If you’re a guy, everyone will congratulate you. \n5. There’s no need for completing schoolwork, paying bills or anything that needs to get done.\nFor once, you have a somewhat legitimate excuse for when you spend hours watching “That’s Amore!” reruns and just being a completely unproductive blob in society. You need time! And until you’re over it, you’re just going to keep on watching reality shows where people find true love with celebrities.\n5. Go shopping!\nThat’s right — you go girl. You may not be able to pay your rent at the end of the year, and your parents may want to disown you for your complete inability to budget, but at least if you run into your ex, you’ll be looking fine in those new jeans. Take any angry, guilty or sad feelings you have about him or her and turn them into a cute top and new boots (or maybe new cologne if you’re a guy). You deserve something for the trauma you’ve been through.\nHopefully this list will help you when you’re in times of need. Just remember — breaking up rocks!