Jerry, Jerry, Jerry

Of all the terms sometimes used to describe opera — pretentious, haughty, high society, sophisticated, etc. — the phrase “cesspool of white-trash hookers” is usually not included. \nThat is, of course, because most people never considered “Jerry Springer: The Opera” would be two phrases they’d see joined together. \nThe show, complete with the requisite fat lady singing (and in this production, throwing a chair), recently debuted in New York City after being adopted from its home in London.\nHow typically British, stealing our cultural icons, venerating them and claiming them as their own. The U.S. would never do that; just ask John, Paul, George and Ringo.\nIt may seem odd that the man who brought television a talk show that should more appropriately be named “Trailer Park Confessions” would be deserving of a musical honor on par with “Don Giovanni” and “La Boheme,” but let’s be honest; nothing is out of the realm of reason anymore. We did, after all, re-elect both Reagan and Bush (Dubya, that is).\nAnd if anyone deserves high accolades, it’s Jerry Springer, an accomplished Emmy Award-winning political commentator, lawyer, former mayor and city councilman of Cincinnati and advocate largely involved in the effort to lower the voting age from 21 to 18.\nAll you 18-year-olds out there take note: You owe your voting privileges to Springer, the same guy who delivers gay Ku Klux Klan members, transsexual strippers and midget porn stars to our living rooms.\nGod Bless America.\nIn his other life – the life that apparently does not involve mediating disputes between star-crossed lover cousins with diaper fetishes – Springer is an accomplished political activist, recently raising funds for AIDS prevention and treatment in Africa.\nSpringer’s off-the-set accomplishments are certainly noteworthy, almost as commendable as any work done by our current generation of politicians. \nWith that in mind, shouldn’t more politicians like Springer get their own operas?\nThe answer, of course, is yes, they should. Here’s some that are in the works, at least in my own mind:\nLarry Craig – The senator from Idaho made headlines last August for his penchant for kinky men’s room debauchery. The opera adaptation of his exploits includes a dazzling array of oversized toilets, a conga line of foot-tapping dancers and the entire country singing “You lied to us” – in Italian, of course.\nBarack Obama – This opera is divided into two acts. The first is set in Illinois, the second at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Hillary Clinton sings in a supporting role.\nMitt Romney – The role of the Republican presidential candidate in this opera is played by John Kerry, taking on the stage name “Flip Flop.” Music is provided by the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir. No caffeinated or alcoholic beverages will be served at the snack bar. Family discounts will be provided for parents attending with more than 10 children.\nOpera no longer sounds so upper-crust with the likes of these politicos in the ranks. In fact, it sounds downright awful. Perhaps we’re better off watching midget porn.