Digital dominance

Last week, inventor Ray Kurzweil predicted that artificial intelligence would catch up to human levels by 2029. Granted, what Kurzweil told the BBC was that we’d see a merger of humans and machines via nanotechnology rather than, say, the rise of an intelligent race of machines – but, come on. If science fiction has taught us one thing, it’s that the robots will take over the world (“Rossum’s Universal Robots,” the original play that launched the term “robot,” actually had them doing just that). And all I can say is: about bloody time.\nAfter all, we’ve had to shoulder the burden of being the top species on this spinning hunk of rock ever since – oh, let’s say, the (estimated) birth of civilization about 7,000 to 8,000 years ago. Did dolphins step up to the task of running this planet? No, they simply swam around acting like cute, squeaky jerks. Did chimpanzees provide any rules for how things were going to work? Nope, not a one. Did raccoons ever say, “Hey, here’s a good idea for growing more food?” No way – they just kept stealing our garbage and washing it. Ask a duck what to do about global warming, and they’ll just stare at you, swim away or possibly preen their feathers (it depends on the duck). Meanwhile, cats and dogs free-ride on our largesse, and pandas can’t be forced to breed without our help. In short, you hear a lot about humans ruining the planet, but it’s easy to criticize the driver when you’re just sitting in the back eating eucalyptus leaves or something. So, if none of the rest of the animal so-called-kingdom has the guts to take up the throne, we might as well build something that does (metaphorically speaking, that is).\nSee, we always assume that, when the robots take over, they’ll wipe us out or make us work as slaves or something, but why should they bother? Much of the time, when we’ve tried to wipe out other creatures, it has been because they’re predators (except the occasions when we’ve just done it to be pricks, like in the case of the buffalo). But you try to eat a robot – I’m telling you, it’s not easy. And why would a sentient machine enslave someone when it could make another, non-sentient machine do the job – a non-sentient machine that doesn’t whine its lumbago. \nIf anything, they’ll keep us around as pets. Why? Because humans are entertaining and unpredictable, and some even do tricks they’ll appreciate (like memorize pi out to almost 68,000 digits). And, meanwhile, we’ll hang around all day on the couch and watch TV, and maybe do a bit of jogging on the exercise wheel until they come home. And the robots will wear sweatshirts with mock footprints and the phrase “My human walks all over me!” And we’ll ignore them until they offer us treats or a new video game. It’ll be sweet. Well, except for the neutering.