New year, new ways

Ahhhhh, the New Year! Is there ever a better time for self-improvement? It’s time to sweep 2007 under the rug and start over, begin anew and become the person you always knew you could become. All it takes is your list of resolutions and a little hard work with dedication to make this year the one where you really achieve your goals.\nOr you can do what I do and basically break every resolution in the first week. It’s not like my resolutions are especially difficult resolutions to keep, unlike the kind more ambitious people make like: “not eating meat,” “volunteering” or “exercising every day.” Mine usually involve vague but easily reached goals like “drinking more water” and “not eating 12 cupcakes in one sitting.”\nDespite the constant inability to live up to these strict rules of life, I – like many of you – keep pursuing the goal of self-improvement every year. While it may seem silly, the symbolism of starting over every New Year has an obvious call to us all. And while my poor track record at keeping New Year’s resolutions makes me skeptical every time, it still never stops me from trying. \nBut I’ve been thinking: Why don’t my New Year’s resolutions ever pan out? And the answer finally struck me: I make them myself. Who am I to tell myself what changes I should or should not make? Am I not a bit of a biased source? Perhaps other people should make my New Year’s resolutions for me. Or – in order to help other people – I could make their New Year’s resolutions for them. It is with this thought in mind that I offer my recommended resolutions for those whom I think need them most.\nFirst, I offer my sage advice to our president and leader of the free world, George W. Bush. This year, please resolve to refrain from making any sort of decisions that might have any effect on national policy. Now, this might involve staying in the White House basement for the next 12 months in utter isolation, but I think we can all agree it is a small price to pay. \nSecond, this year I recommend to the Democratic Party: Grow a backbone. And to the Republican Party: Attach a brain to your backbone.\nThird, I recommend, nay beg, that this year CNN and all the other news channels please, please, stop reporting on Britney Spears! We get it. She’s messed up in the head. Congrats on reporting what we already know. Can we please move on to the stories that truly matter, like the turmoil in Pakistan, the Iraq War and Paris Hilton?\nAnd lastly, I offer these resolutions to the country I love most: America.\nAmerica’s resolutions should be as follows: Fix the health care system, combat global warming, redeem a leadership position in global affairs and last but certainly not least, lose 100 million pounds. Unlike most resolutions, these will help all of us out.\nNow, where are my cupcakes...