Letter to Santa

When you look past all that “peace on earth,” “give to the less fortunate” business, Christmas is, above all, a time of judgment: Who’s naughty and who’s nice? \nWho will get an Xbox 360, and who will get coal and an arse-whupping by Santa’s scary Austrian demon enforcer, the Krampus? (Google it – I couldn’t make that stuff up.)\nSo, with the big day approaching, I want to take this opportunity to clear the air between Santa and myself. I’m just worried that, with so many people on his list, Santa will merely glance at my file and – without considering noble intentions, extenuating circumstances or perfectly reasonable explanations – tell his infernal Alpine uber-spanker to whittle up a hickory switch. Thus, here are some things he should know about my actions in 2007:\nFor starters, Luciano Pavarotti’s death was not my fault. As a matter of fact, I warned him to leave that bear alone. Granted, this came after my betting him $20 that bears favored Handel over Verdi – but who could have guessed that an opportunity to test this question might arise? (By the way, bears’ favorite? Gilbert and Sullivan.)\nNor was the recent earthquake in Bali my fault – at least, not exactly. Yes, I was 18 miles under the surface of Bloomington mining pitchblende to convert into uranium (for purely civilian, energy-generating purposes). And yes, when I came across that huge vein of copper ore, I decided to dynamite it so I could sell the nuggets (and donate the proceeds to charity, of course). And, alright, yes, I knew that copper was very good at carrying vibrations. But how was I to guess that that particular vein ran all the way through the center of the earth? I didn’t even think that was possible – the core’s supposed to be all melty and gooey, right? For the record, I have apologized and sent the people of Indonesia’s island paradise a lovely bath-themed gift basket.\nAnd the state of emergency in Pakistan? Not my idea. Okay, when President Pervez Musharraf asked me if he should run for election despite all the concerns about constitutional and political legitimacy, I said, “Sure, the people love you.” But he should have known I was being sarcastic. After all, Benazir Bhutto would have gotten the joke.\nAnd the Patriots beating the Colts? Okay, that was my doing – but I had a very good reason. Due to a complex series of events, the entire foreign holdings of U.S. dollars had been wagered on New England. A Patriots loss would have meant the collapse of not just the U.S. economy, but the world’s. Thus, tragically, evil had to triumph for the greater good. But you can take comfort in the fact that I’m currently working on plaguing Bill Belichick with crippling gas pain. \nSo, Santa, please take everything into account. And keep in mind that, if I see fit to ramp up global warming, you and the elves better have water wings.