Holiday spirit

Now that we’re rested up from winter break and we’ve had all the eggnog and gingerbread people we can stand, it’s time that we made a campus-wide New Year’s resolution to…\nWhat? It’s only Nov. 6?\nOkay, I know it’s a cliché to complain about the fact that Christmas comes earlier every year (“What happened to Thanksgiving? Blah, blah, blah.”), but this season has finally crossed the line between irritating overzealous enthusiasm and utter gibbering madness. And it’s time we finally did something about it.\nUsually it’s the retailers who are to blame for this – and, indeed, in the course of assembling this year’s Halloween costume, I found all the big box stores were already stocking up on Christmas decorations. But this year there’s an even more egregious offender; a cynically run, nihilistic industry that manages to survive despite widespread public disdain. No, not oil, tobacco or the airlines – I’m talking about commercial terrestrial radio. \nWhen Kansas City, Mo.’s, Star 102 switched over to Christmas music on the morning of Halloween, it caused a bit of an Internet stir. And on Friday, when Chicago’s WLIT-FM launched into Christmas music a week before schedule in a bid to pre-empt a local competitor (whose threat to go Christmas early may or may not have been a bluff), it received notice in the Chicago Tribune. But those of us within signal range of Indianapolis know who the worst offender is. As part of its plan to reshuffle its broadcast content, WIBC (93.1 FM) began playing Christmas music Oct. 8. OCTOBER BLOODY EIGHTH! WIBC’s slogan? “The 93 Days of Christmas.”\nNo. Just no. This cannot stand. I will not celebrate Christmas over the course of more than a quarter of the damned year. The only people with that kind of holiday spirit should be dosed with Thorazine and locked in a padded cell before they molest children and strangle prostitutes. \nBut what can one do about it? Unfortunately, my most obvious means of protest against accelerating the season are rather hollow. I can threaten not to listen to WIBC – but I wouldn’t listen to them anyway, since they’d otherwise be broadcasting lame talk radio programming. I can refuse to do any Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving – but, as a grad student, my finances wouldn’t permit me to shop early even if I wanted to. My weapons as a consumer are limited.\nBut I do have one recourse left. You know all that peace on earth, goodwill toward men business? Not from me, not yet. I’m not being nice to anyone until after Thanksgiving (and I’m not even being thankful until the week before Thanksgiving break). No helping neighbors (unless it’s helping them stay on their own property), no spreading cheer (unless said cheer serves my strict self-interest) and no feeding orphans (unless they’re baboons). Screw you people – it’s bad enough being nice to you for 12 straight days, much less 93. Bah humbug (‘til Nov. 22, anyway).