Secret’s out

Psssst.\nHey, you – the one with the newspaper in your hand. Move in a little closer; I want to tell you a secret, and it’s a doozy. Ready? Here it goes: Black people have brains.\nThis news is probably shocking, so if you must, have a seat, take a deep breath and try to absorb the gravity of the information you’ve just heard.\nWait one second. It seems I’ve made an egregious error. Apparently this secret has already been divulged – last week, in fact. Pardon my oversight.\nThanks to the undercover reporting of self-proclaimed “culture warrior” Bill O’Reilly, the truth about blacks’ ability to “think more and more for themselves” has recently come to light. Thanks, Bill, for clarifying.\nAs many of you have heard, O’Reilly recently made comments about blacks having the capacity for independent thought during his syndicated radio program. His words were supposed to be (in theory) a compliment to the black community, which he’d observed the previous evening in Harlem while dining at Sylvia’s, a noted soul food restaurant, with notable African-American leader Rev. Al Sharpton, who is coincidentally the winner of The Leading Edge’s “Awesome Hair Contest.” He said he was shocked that no one was screaming “MF-er, I want more iced tea.”\nAs you might imagine, O’Reilly’s words have been taken, by and large, as anything but complimentary. What seemed to O’Reilly like an enlightened comment appeared to most of humanity as the ramblings of a man ignorant of race relations, or apparently, black thought in general. It seems that most news sources, bloggers, media critics, liberal think tanks, members of the black community and the entirety of civilization have reverted to humorist Al Franken’s view of O’Reilly: that he is a splotchy bully. \nBut is O’Reilly really that bad of a guy? After all, he kind of resembles a big, squeezable teddy. Heck, Stephen Colbert affectionately calls O’Reilly “Papa Bear.” No one nicknamed Papa Bear could possibly utter something so scathing, right?\nTo set the record straight, this humble columnist invited O’Reilly for an honest yet completely made-up heart-to-heart chat. Here’s what transpired:\nScott: You’ve fielded a lot of criticism over your recent comments about dining in Harlem. What was your intent?\nO’Reilly: My intent? My intent was to have some MF-ing dinner. I was hungry. Next question.\nScott: Some think your comments were condescending in the sense that you sounded surprised a black-run restaurant could be civil. Were you really surprised?\nO’Reilly: I was surprised ... at the prices! I mean, catfish and collard greens for $8? That’s a bargain! I guess I’m too used to overly expensive Manhattan establishments full of Republicans.\nScott: Fair enough. Some have taken offense to your comments, calling them an insult to the black community. Do you feel the need to apologize?\nO’Reilly: I’ll apologize to the owners of the restaurant. I fear I’ve exposed the best-kept secret in Harlem. Now they’ll be flooded with business thanks to me.\nYet another secret exposed by O’Reilly. This guy can’t keep anything to himself. Perhaps that’s his biggest problem.