(Oxy)morons

For those of you who don’t know, an oxymoron is a contradicting turn of phrase. These quips are typically celebrated by the same unfunny relatives that thrive on puns, generally ranging from stupid (“military intelligence”) to mildly amusing (“Microsoft Works”). \nBut what about massively deceitful? The offending verbiage in this case is none other than “compassionate conservative.” This tall tale was popularized by the same pinnacle of intellect that brought us nearly 4,000 war dead and $3 gas. As hundreds of millions of people worldwide count down the minutes to the end of this “administration,” I would like to expose this ridiculous distortion of reality lest anyone fall for it again.\nTo begin with, the GOP needs to discover the dictionary and cross-reference the words they plan to say with the words’ actual meanings before opening their crusty old mouths. “Compassionate” is the word for awareness of the suffering of others and the desire to relieve said suffering. That would be 0 for 2 from where I’m sitting – well, except for the suffering of the wealthiest tax bracket. I suppose one must recognize the profound misery of the 16-year-old princess who has to settle for a C-Class because Daddy had to pay taxes. \nThat said, anyone can sling poo, but I like to put my money where my mouth is: let’s examine the right wing’s recent track record with compassion. Right off the bat, the gay community comes to mind. Now, everyone knows that conservatives think gays are just fabulous – so much so that they have consistently made an effort to hold down legislation that would legalize gay marriage and adoption. Conservatives ignore the fact that committed gay couples are just as legitimate as their straight counterparts because their frail reasoning comes from the absolute worst of Christianity, the fundamentalist ultra-right. As always, however, conservatives consider themselves above law and morality, which might explain why so many GOP bigwigs have recently been embroiled in gay \nsex scandals. \nGay marriage is a touchy subject, though. How about something a little more black and white, such as education? Every politician claims to care about education and then does little or nothing to improve it once elected. Bush and his posse are no different. But they are supposed to be compassionate, remember? Compassion shouldn’t be too difficult to conjure up if you take a walk through an elementary school on Chicago’s South Side. The sprinkling of students in attendance will have outdated textbooks if they are fortunate enough to have any at all, and their primary concern will likely be stray bullets, not pop quizzes. Still, the conservatives’ excuse for a solution is a one-two punch right to the gut of destitute public schools: the left jab is the ghastly No Child Left Behind Act (read: No Rich Child Left Behind) and the right hook is Bush’s $720 million per day habit in Iraq.\nI haven’t even touched on the war, children’s health care, stem cell research or abortion – I could go on, but why should I? It’s clear that compassion and conservatism are like oil and water.