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Thursday, March 28
The Indiana Daily Student

Me like sports

Recent reports to The Leading Edge’s investigatory team (which includes my mother and CNN’s Nancy Grace) indicate increased activity over the weekend on campus.\nNot wanting to let such reports go unchecked, I combed the city for clues of the alleged activity. After painstakingly examining every possible piece of evidence in the style of a true crime scene investigator wannabe (gosh, Gil Grissom on “CSI” is so cool!), I can safely conclude that something of significance did, in fact, take place this past weekend.\nApparently much of what occurred centered around some sort of athletic contest. Such contests are known in certain circles as “sporting events.” This weekend’s “sporting event” involved two opposing teams, one associated with a local academic institution, the other similarly associated with a far-away institution, possibly in another geographic jurisdiction. \nThe teams, under the direction of highly-compensated, older figures of authority, performed well-crafted and meticulously practiced plays involving the handling of an oblong object. Upon further analysis, it appears that both teams, working within the confine of an established time limit, attempted to gain numeric recognition of their momentary ability to out-perform the opposing team. When the time limit had been reached, the team with the largest amount of numeric recognition was declared the victor. Afterward, the participants returned to their areas of equipment storage and washed themselves under torrents of heated water.\nFurther investigation of the scene, which included a large, open area of painted grass-like substance, indicates that the two teams were not alone during their meeting. Outside observers were allowed to witness the event by exchanging money for a piece of glossy rectangular paper. The paper allows the person in possession of it to walk past an area of gated protection and sit in relative close proximity to the teams. Once in their seats, the people observing the contest are normally allowed to yell and scream at high decibels in support of the team of their choosing. Judging by the alarmingly high amount of used prophylactics found in the area in which many young people gathered, cheering was not the only activity in which these people engaged.\nWhile watching “sporting events,” observers often find themselves in need of consumable sustenance, the kind passing through the oral cavity and into the stomach. Therefore, it has been determined that money can also be exchanged in this setting for food items of low nutritional quality. Generally speaking, the lower the healthiness of the food item, the higher amount one can expect to pay. This is known as “getting screwed at the stadium,” and could explain the presence of prophylactics.\nAlthough alcohol is not one of the items sold in this venue, the aforementioned prophylactics indicate further the ability of contest observers to sneak their own alcoholic beverages into the viewing area.\nThe Leading Edge staff is working diligently to determine whether such displays of athleticism and sporting prowess will occur in the future. If so, you’ll be informed well in advance so as to allow ample time to obtain condoms ... er ... prophylactics.

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