Candidate costumes

Halloween proper might not be until the middle of next week, but we all know that it’s this weekend that really matters. (It’s a bit difficult to party on a Wednesday. Not that you shouldn’t try – this is IU, after all.) Thus, you should start working on your costume immediately, if you haven’t already. \nUndoubtedly, some of you topical types are going to want to dress up like the candidates for the 2008 presidential election. But there’s a bit of a problem: How will people know who you are? I don’t just mean that people are ignorant about the election campaign. You’re going to have to deal with the fact that, after you put on a charcoal gray suit and power tie (unless you’re Hillary Clinton) and a little flag lapel pin (unless you’re Barack Obama), you could be any of the candidates. Not to mention that this all sounds a bit boring. So, how do you distinguish yourself? Well, here are a few ideas.\n• Hillary Clinton: Besides wearing a tasteful pant-suit, you’ll want to spend a couple of hours before the party in a meat locker in order to bring your blood temperature down to about 36 degrees. (Disclaimer: If you’re human, this might kill you.) Also, consider concealing a dagger for use on your enemies, friends and anyone who gets in your way.\n• Barack Obama: First order of business: WORK THOSE ABS! (Those of you who’ve seen Obama’s beach pictures know what I’m talking about.) Afterwards, don’t forget your congressional nametag with “trainee” written on it. If you knock over someone’s beer, explain that you’re really sorry and it’s your first day on the campaign.\n• John Edwards: For God’s sake, don’t let anyone touch the hair. Buy a $1,500 Armani suit and say you got it at the Goodwill. Claim that if people vote for you, no pumpkins will ever be smashed again and all the candy will be full-sized.\n• Rudy Guliani: Declare that Halloween is nowhere near as scary as Sept. 11 – and repeat this at least every 10 minutes. If you see any jaywalkers, litterbugs, smokers or people walking with open containers, call the cops on them.\n• Mitt Romney: Wear flip-flops or a reversible jacket. Duh.\n• Fred Thompson: Besides sticking cotton balls in your cheeks to get the jowls right, tell everyone that you’re a “real conservative.” If they ask what that means, provide a funny anecdote about the day Ice-T dropped his bean burrito in the NBC commissary. And if you go to the party with a date, make sure she wears a push-up bra.\n• Ron Paul: The easiest costume of all: stay home and spend the whole evening playing World of Warcraft and arguing on message boards.\nAnd if none of these costume ideas seem particularly appealing, you can always go as the New Hampshire primary – show up at the party 12 hours early, make a big ruckus, then promptly be forgotten.