Tailgate nation

What makes us Americans?\nFreedom-hating liberals might say it’s our insatiable appetite for nation building and global hegemony, while crazed, gun-toting conservatives may believe it’s that sense of patriotism we all get while watching Dale Earnhardt Jr. circle the track. Lee Greenwood, on the other hand, likely thinks being an American means actually liking his song “God Bless the USA.” \nAlas, these theories are all off base. The United States is, after all, not the only country bent on global domination. On top of that, there are unfortunately Earnhardt fans all over the world, and no one takes Greenwood’s song seriously – not even Greenwood.\nSo, if none of the above makes us American, then what does?\nThe answer, of course, is our fascination with sexy and sweaty topless male models. I mean, football tailgating (Freaking Freud. I hate it when that happens). \nInternational students may be unfamiliar with the tailgate tradition that is deeply interwoven into the genetic codes of Americans, so here’s a brief description of the process: Wake up at 6:30 in the morning. Put on smelly team jersey. Look in mirror. Cry, remembering days of high school football glory. Touch self. Go back to bed. Wake up at 8:30. Have body painted with team colors by totally platonic and non-gay best friend. Drive to football stadium. Park. Touch self again. Hope no one sees. Bring out barbecue. Drink lots of beer. Pass out on top of friend. Miss game. Miss wedding anniversary. Get divorced. Touch self for rest of life.\nPretty sad, right? But it happens every week during football season, on every college campus. What a shame. It’s no wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country. Let this be a lesson to all you men: If you like football, don’t get married, unless it’s to your platonic non-gay best friend.\nNow that you realize just what the custom of tailgating entails, it’s important to understand the specific roots that make it distinctly American.\nAccording to a well-researched and completely fabricated article I’m considering posting on Wikipedia, tailgating arose from the actions of our country’s forefathers such as Thomas Adams and John Jefferson.\nWhile the country was in its infancy, Jefferson and Adams would gather outside of the Constitutional Convention in the wee hours of the morning to grill hot dogs and drink large amounts of ale. The two would then enter the chamber, noticeably intoxicated, and debate important issues facing our country, namely the rights reserved to wealthy landowners. It’s not exactly certain how this tradition came to be associated with American-style football, but it clearly does not matter. The point remains that because of the courageous efforts of these visionary founders, the grand yet pointless custom of tailgating has come to characterize us as a country.\nJust remember: Americans aren’t defined by our willingness to invade sovereign nations, nor by a sappy Lee Greenwood song. Rather, our worth lies in our acceptance of the tailgating practice so ingrained in our history.\nLet the touching of selves begin.