Pretty little things

In the pursuit of distracting myself from the binge eating induced by 17 credit hours, I’ve used three brands of peeling masks in the past 25 minutes. A soak in the tub, a $400 Yves Saint Laurent elixir (my roommate’s internship swag paid off for me) and a taut face don’t seem to be the cure for the oh-crap-LSAT-this-month, and neither does this “liquid cure for lazy abdominals with caffeine” that I just rubbed in a circular motion on my ass for a minute. At least my bum smells like mint now. \nBut why stop there when according to an Aug. 31 ABC News article, women are not only tightening their faces – they’re giving their nether regions a lift too? \nIt’s called a labiaplasty and essentially entails snipping off any offending labia that may appear asymmetrical, large or otherwise labially unsightly. The article cites pain and discomfort as one of the main reasons to pursue the surgery, but gynecologists still think the procedure carries unwarranted labia risks.\nStill, doctors experienced with the surgery feel the emotional trauma of having a weird vagina outweigh the risks. \n“Women have gone so far as to say, ‘Doctor, I have a penis,’” said Dr. John Miklos, of the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Atlanta Medical Research Institute, in the ABC News report. “How can your heart not go out to them?” \nI’ll only assume a woman saying she has a penis is in reference to an enlarged clitoris. Otherwise, I have no clue how a labia, no matter how large, could ever resemble the male genitalia. But that could just be me. \nBefore making a sweeping generalization about the vagina surgery and essentially calling it insane, it’s fair to note the non-permanent but semi-painful things I do in my pre-programmed quest for procreation. \nThe peeling masks? I’m quite certain I peeled off layers of dermis I want, by the second time around. Calluses speckle my feet from blisters caused by very mean shoes. I may not elect for anyone to cut up my vagina, but crippling myself is another story entirely! \nHonestly, beyond the initial befuddlement considering the premise of a labiaplasty, the risks associated aren’t a significant difference from other elective cosmetic surgeries. The outcry that the procedure is dangerous is more of a feminist response to yet another presumed physical defect over which women can obsess. Altering the appearance of a vagina because you don’t like the way it looks when you see it in a mirror may be outrageous, but no more so than lipo on back fat, breast augmentation or calf muscle implants. And the overemphasis of the body is no longer limited to women; men face such higher standards of beauty now that they, too, are consumerist whores. So at least low self-esteem isn’t exclusively female – a huge step for our collective neurosis. \nMaybe I can do something non-invasive for my labia. A peeling mask, perhaps?