One hot potato

Remember Mark Foley? \nHe’s the ex-congressman from Florida who left the U.S. House of Representatives amid a sex scandal involving an underage male congressional page. Of course, we know what really happened. In fact a column last year by yours truly highlighted the plight of poor Mr. Foley: he was the victim of a conspiracy to make us believe he was just another hypocritical Republican who opposed gay rights in speech but loved wearing butt-less leather chaps in practice.\nIt appears the vast left-wing conspiracy has struck again, no doubt fueled by its chief instigators Michael Moore and Al Franken. (What the heck, as long as we’re libeling people, let’s throw Hillary Clinton into the mix.) \nAs you may know, Sen. Larry Craig, whose picture accompanies the definition of “conservative” in the dictionary, recently resigned over allegations that he engaged in lewd conduct in a Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport restroom. Craig was arrested for attempting to solicit an undercover male police officer while both “did their business” in adjacent stalls. Nevermind the “fact” that Craig pleaded guilty to the charge and hid it from his family and constituents for nearly two months. Any self-respecting viewer of Fox News can see right through the liberal smoke screen, which, thanks to the left’s affinity for nature, reeks of patchouli oil and medicinal marijuana. \nStill not convinced of Craig’s innocence? Consider the following made-up evidence gathered while watching reruns of Law and Order:\n1. Craig hails from Idaho, a state famous for, of all things, potatoes. It says so right on their license plates: “Famous Potatoes.” Clearly the senator has a more important agenda than cruising for fun in a Midwestern toilet. Engaging in lewd conduct, as the charge purports, would take away from Craig’s important mission of convincing the rest of Congress that his state isn’t a complete joke for touting its spud-growing capabilities. \n2. Idaho, like many Third World countries, is still awaiting the arrival of modern conveniences such as tape decks, VCRs and indoor plumbing. It’s a well-known fact that Idahoans have yet to master the concept of flushable toilets. Based on Craig’s upbringing in such a non-technological state, it’s reasonable to assume he’d never set foot in an airport restroom. The automatic sinks and laser-guided flushing systems would likely cause him to hemorrhage from the ear. \n3. The senator’s committee assignments in Congress included Energy and Natural Resources, Environment and Public Works, Appropriations, Veterans’ Affairs and the Special Committee on Aging. Nowhere on the preceding list is there a mention of the Committee on Sinful Behavior or the Select Committee on Homoerotic Double Standards and Blatant Lying. \n4. Craig is a Republican. Such people are born with a moral fiber strong enough to resist the temptations of muscle-laden enticers, such as airport police. \nThe evidence speaks for itself. Don’t fall into the liberals’ trap by believing Craig’s guilt. \nPerhaps I’ll become a lawyer with these argumentative skills. Good thing I watch Law and Order.