Letters from Abroad

BOLOGNA, Italy – You know you aren’t in Bloomington anymore when you can only find peanut butter at an exotic food store. I have been in Europe for one week now, and I have spent the entire time trying to deal with culture shock. For instance, there is no Comedy Central, and I don’t know the intended use of half of my bathroom fixtures. Also, I have been frantically searching for an apartment. There has been very little time for arts and entertainment this week, and more of a focus on survival. I have to say that there are a few things I really think someone could have mentioned before I left. \nTo spare you the embarrassment I suffered this week, I want to provide you with a short guide about why Europe is weird to Americans. Here is a list of the top five things I wish I had known before I left the States. \n1. Luxury items are inverted. Let’s just say I went to buy a tiny bottle of sunscreen (Sadly, I am nowhere near the Italian people’s golden bronze perfection), and it turned out to be 16 Euros. At the same store, a bottle of champagne was 99 cents. Resources and cultural values really screw with prices, and you will find that wine literally is cheaper than water.\n2. By American standards, Europeans are nymphos. Last night, I watched the MTV music video countdown (much more entertaining when it includes Italian pop music) and was shocked to see a commercial for wristwatches where the watches were animated – and humping. I kid you not. Even if you don’t consider yourself a prude, you would be surprised by the number of nipples you see on television. \n3. You should really learn the slang and how to pronounce it. One of my friends told several Italians that she was studying “international erections” rather than “international relations” before one was kind enough to point out her error. \n4. You are an idiot. No matter how much you think you know about history, politics, geography, literature or art, the Europeans know more. Don’t make the mistake of getting into a debate of any kind. Unless you enjoy looking like a boob. \n5. You will come to appreciate the size of IU’s dorms. The beds in Europe are just as large but the rooms are tiny, even though the apartments can cost you more than $500 each month. And they all seem to be owned by crazy old women.\nI am close to securing my own tiny place this week, so that should clear up my schedule to find the local chapel that houses some works by Guido Reni. \nBut in the meantime, anyone know of an IKEA around here to furnish my dollhouse?