American idiots

"Americans are possibly the dumbest people on the planet …” – Michael Moore \n While it might appear that Moore is a freedom-hating, MoveOn.org-admiring, pinko communist bent on destroying this country’s fascination with global supremacy, he does raise a good point: we are a nation of idiots – a confederacy of dunces. (Quick quiz: What author did I just plagiarize? The first non-English major to e-mail the answer wins a prize: a Pulitzer-winning novel by John Kennedy Toole.) \n Now, the editors of this newspaper know the mere mention of Michael Moore has the power to send conservatives on campus (all four of them, all business majors) into rabid convulsions. It’s OK; that is to be expected. You can use one of the other parts of this newspaper, such as the legitimate sections containing real news, to wipe the foam from your mouth. After all, the editors also realize this column is the only reason you pick up the paper (well, that and Sudoku). \n Where were we? Oh yes – a dumb country.\n Such a claim as Moore’s is inevitably laden with copious amounts of fluff, which is ironic since Moore is laden with copious amounts of McDonald’s. But he does have an Oscar, so that qualifies him to pontificate about America’s countrywide exclusion from Mensa, the international society of geniuses.\n Nevertheless, whether you love him, hate him or want to squeeze him like a soft, huggable bear, you have to admit we Americans do some outrageously moronic things, most of which eventually get broadcast worldwide on cable news or written about in cheesy newspaper columns.\n Exhibit A: There is a growing trend in this country to potty train children from birth, i.e. not use diapers. Let me say that again for those of you distracted by wiping the foam from your mouths: parents are willingly letting their children run unprotected around the house, yard and yes, public places, without diapers. The only thing protecting the carpet or the pew in church from Junior’s pee is the ability of mom or dad to recognize an impending “potty time,” race the kid to a sink or toilet and dangle him over the water like a hobo baptism. Practitioners of the diaper-less craze say it increases communication between parent and child and deepens the bond between the two. Practicality, however, says it also increases the amount of baby poop found in restaurant booths.\n As if that wasn’t enough to convince you of our nation’s profound idiocy, try this one on for size:\n Exhibit B: Throughout the early 1990s and even into 2002, the Defense Department considered the developing a new weapon, one which was truly innovative and unabashedly brilliant. The plan? Create a bomb that would, upon explosion, release a powerful aphrodisiac capable of turning enemy soldiers ... wait for it ... gay toward each other.\n The mind reels, not because such diaper-less and gay bomb scenarios are farfetched, but because so many Americans could appreciate their utility. \nAs Michael Moore would likely note, that’s not only dumb – it’s downright frightening.