Vergin’ on Trouble?

In the movie “Saved!” starring super-talent Mandy Moore, a pregnancy-troubled teenage girl named Mary, the film’s protagonist, makes a remark about the biblical Mary’s virgin birth that I’ve always thought solid:\n“…do you ever wonder if she made the whole thing up? I mean, it’s a pretty good one. It’s not like anyone can use virgin birth as an excuse again.” \nAt least I thought it was solid until this week, when while perusing Slate.com I found a June 9 article about a shark recently born in a Nebraska tank with no evidence of a father – meaning the pup would have been the result of parthenogenesis, or virgin birth. Virgin birth is common in many species, but until now it had been thought impossible among sharks and mammals because of the way our genes are arranged.\nObviously, the moral here is that if you end up accidentally pregnant and in trouble, you can now realistically use virgin birth as an excuse. \nBut this got me thinking: Had personal responsibility been the only viable way to explain a pregnancy previously? After some research, I realized I was right to question this assumption. So don’t worry – if you need an alternative reason for your pregnancy, but the party to whom you speak doesn’t believe the parthenogenesis news, you can still use one of these:\n• You’re pregnant with the Antichrist. Mary might have populist dibs on the son-of-God story, but no one has the same for the spawn-of-Satan story. Some Christians interpret biblical prophecies to mean that an Antichrist, an evil antithesis of Jesus, will appear during the world’s End Times. Using this story is brilliant if you’re lucky enough to be explaining yourself to someone who believes such philosophy. Its downside is that when it comes time for you to pop the kid out, few people will want to help you raise the son of Satan.\n• You’re making extra cash as a surrogate mother. Surrogate mothering is a process whereby women choose to be implanted with another couple’s sperm or fertilized egg. The advantage of using this excuse is, unlike claiming you’ve procreated with the devil, you come off as a fantastic human being. Not only are you helping the disadvantaged, you’re so eager to do it that you’re willing to put yourself through the grueling process of childbirth. The drawback here, however, is that people will get suspicious when you don’t have the $15,000-$30,000 you were supposed to make for the favor. I recommend black market activity to compensate.\n• You’re smuggling illegal contraband, but your drug lord was beaten into a coma and you have to wait until he wakes up to remove it. The only problem with this story is that people will pay closer attention to you because they’re scared for your life and, unless they’re morons, inevitably realize you’re a dirty liar.\nIf you can’t get anyone to believe anything here, just keep sporting that baby doll top. Everyone wearing one looks pregnant anyway.