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Friday, March 29
The Indiana Daily Student

State for sale

The government of Indiana recently announced its plan to sell itself to the highest bidder. \nNow, before you set fire to this newspaper and start foaming at the mouth, take a moment to assess the potential benefits of selling Indiana to another state.\nIf Illinois buys us, for example, our neighbor to the west will become the unabashed champion of corniality (think bestiality, crop style). Others speculate that Gov. Mitch Daniels will finally be able to afford his much-anticipated Rogaine treatments. All told, selling the state of Indiana should net nearly $8 trillion, the majority of which will be used to play Texas Hold‘em in beautiful French Lick.\nOne has to wonder, however, how the land that produced David Letterman and Larry Bird came to this sad state of affairs. Truth be told, Gov. Daniels, since taking office, has slowly taken the state from being “The Crossroads of America” to the “Armpit of the World.” This is due, in part, to his unique fetish for Old Spice and a little service known as outsourcing.\nFor those of you who slept through Economics 230, outsourcing is a highly involved policy process by which government agencies place a giant rod up the hinds of their employees. After the rod is in place, the Republican Party moves in to feast on the souls of the innocent. Sounds like a recipe for fun, right? At least for Daniels it’s fun. That’s why he recently decided to sell the state, or at least seek to outsource its entire operation.\nOne would think the state legislature would have acted, but Daniels cleverly distracted them over the past three months with a nonissue gay-marriage bill. While your senators and representatives debated so importantly whether or not to let Adam and Steve kiss in city hall, Daniels was hard at work drafting a plan to outsource the entire operation of the state to someone with more potential (read: less of a comb-over). \nDuring spring break, while most of you were learning to appreciate coconut rum, Daniels was eagerly putting the finishing touches on a classified advertisement regarding Indiana’s sale. The ad ran last week, mostly in large city newspapers and gay chat rooms. Here’s what it said:\n“The state of Indiana (the one between Illinois and Ohio) seeks a qualified buyer to serve as primary administrator and operator. All assets, services and liabilities currently accredited to the state of Indiana will be transferred to the successful buyer. Unfortunately, liabilities include John Mellencamp and his songs. The buyer will retain full responsibly for everything relating to Mr. Mellencamp’s activities.\n“Furthermore, a full check of credit and qualifications will be undertaken before allowing the buyer to begin operation. The greatest qualification is not currently being employed by the state of Indiana. Preference will be given to those who abhor Adam and Steve kissing.”\nOK, Daniels’s plan is merely hypothetical. But ask yourself: Would selling us off to Illinois really be that bad?\nAt least they have a baseball team.

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