Spring breeding

There are two types of spring-breakers who visit the ocean: the readers and the breeders. \nWhile members of the first group read quietly under umbrellas, lathering their bodies with sunblock, members of the second are out cruising the beach, looking for hotties without cock blocks. \nAt night, while the readers are under hotel blankets sipping cups of green tea, breeders are out under the stars, having sex in the sea. \nIt’s irrefutable – inarguable – that the breeders (“vacation sluts” as they’re known) always come back with much better stories. Eavesdropping in class the Monday after break, I always hear some beefy-looking dude, sporting North Face and a not-so-greatly-clipped crew cut, talking about his wild adventures.\nHe begins with a narrative on skinny-dipping (which, in his case, should really be called beer-belly-dipping) and ultimately concludes with boasts of a drunken threesome, where he and his BF actually high-fived during intercourse.\nThreesomes, fornications, high-fives – I guess it’s how frat guys learn to count. \nAs a notorious reader, I have come to loath these boob-crazy beef cakes – for good reason. Last spring break, for example, while lounging on a reclining chair enjoying “The Da Vinci Code,” a football came out of nowhere and flew right into my sand castle, like a tiny beach terrorist.\nA guy wearing neon green floral trunks – his crotch a virtual radioactive garden – quickly trotted over to apologize.\n“Whoa, sorry, dude,” he said, retrieving the ball from the flattened structure. “Hopefully I didn’t smash the queen.”\nNope, you just made him irritable.\nIndeed, there is a strong, unspoken resentment between members of both groups. Each thinks their method of having fun is superior – one being more intellectual and one being more sexually satisfying. \nSo who is right? The ones who spend their vacation with “The Lovely Bones,” or with a lovely boner?\nAfter analyzing both activities, I – surprisingly – have to side with the sluts. \nThough I’ve never admitted it, as literate people never do, I’ve always secretly envied them. While I’m sitting down reading about experiences, they’re out there actually having them. While I’m interacting with characters, they’re interacting with strangers, obtaining real-life experiences – ones that can never be purchased from Amazon.com. \nAlthough I certainly don’t advocate promiscuity on a regular basis, I think that over spring break – while you’re in college and you’re metabolism is still functioning – it’s perfectly acceptable. After months of studying at the library and writing papers for class, you should be able to cut loose – to chuck your responsibility into the ocean. It is incredibly liberating when you shift from Oncourse to intercourse.\nThat’s the great thing about vacationing on the coast: the fact that every naughty, sexual mistake you make stays on the beach. Every wet T-shirt contest, every threesome, every drunken escapade is just a footprint in the sand – a sexual imprint that disappears with the tide. \nUnless, of course, you get crabs. Then you might need a cream.