Did you have a happy Valentine's Day? No, of course you didn't. Valentine's Day is a perfect nexus of disappointment and depression -- it takes all the problems surrounding dating and relationships and spends a day cramming them down your throat. Any holiday can disappoint, but while Christmas disappointment is getting a crappy sweater, for Valentine's, it's knowing that you will never be as lucky as the couples glorified around you. And Valentine's manages to get just about everyone: Single? You're a loser who's doomed to die alone. Dating? You'd better spend more, work out more, get everything JUST RIGHT -- and, in the end, was your date worth it? Married? Did your life turn out like those couples in the "diamond is forever" commercials? \nWhy not enlist the power of music to get you through the post-Valentine's blues? Below, I've come up with three strategies to help you out, and a few song suggestions to go along with each. I know this list leaves out loads of good stuff, and it's biased toward my inclinations (as an indie rock fan) -- I don't pretend to claim that it's definitive. These are just a few ideas to help you get down while you're, you know, down.
1. "It could be worse." So things didn't go right -- listen to these songs and think about how lucky you are.\n• Art Brut -- "Rusted Guns of Milan." A lament about when the soldier refuses to report for duty (ahem). You have to feel for Eddie Argos as he begs "Don't tell your friends! / Don't tell your friends! / I promise, it won't / Ever happen again." \n• The Kinks -- "Lola." I don't mean to dump on other lifestyles -- seriously, whatever makes you happy -- but "Lola" plays perfectly on a straight-dude nightmare scenario: "Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand" Ray Davies sings, "Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man." Oh, we listeners do …\n• Garth Brooks -- "Papa Loved Mama." There are a lot of great country songs about killing one's lover, but few involve driving your semi into your wife and her boyfriend's motel room. Best line? "The desk clerk said he saw it all real clear / He never hit the brakes and he was shifting gears."\n• The Postal Service -- "We Will Become Silhouettes." This is a pretty song about missing your love as you hide in a fallout shelter, trying to escape an airborne toxin that makes people explode. Need I say more?
2. "Revenge!" Get dumped or just mad at your partner? Let these tunes say what's on your mind.\n• Ben Folds -- "Song For The Dumped." Guys, how much did you spend on that Valentine's Day date? Yuh, huh. Then try not to sing out loud when Ben goes: "Give me my money back / give me my money back, you bitch."\n• Dolly Parton -- "I Hope You're Never Happy." Dolly seems like such a nice lady -- you wouldn't expect her to have a song about unabashed, selfish jealousy. But you'd be wrong: "I wish you all the luck I wish you only the best / Satisfaction in love, and true happiness / I wish you blue skies and rainbows, I wish you joy pure and sweet / I wish you all that you wish for, but only if you're with me." \n• Lily Allen -- "Not Big." Lily is the new queen of dating warfare -- half of her album Alright, Still could go on this list. But, "Not Big," with its relentless attacks on her ex's size, skills, endurance and more gets a spot here. I think Lily realized she couldn't jam her ex into a Chipper-Shredder and so did the next best thing.\n• New Order -- "Blue Monday." Perhaps the greatest passive-aggressive song ever recorded. Why shout when you can just ask: "Tell me how does it feel / When your heart grows cold?"\n• Outkast -- "Roses." Wouldn't be your Valentine? Well, let her know that her "roses really smell like poo-poo."\n• Puddle of Mudd -- "She Hates Me." The only time you'll see a Puddle of Mudd recommendation from me -- but you can't beat that chorus.
3. "Love sucks, anyway." Listen to these, and know that you're better off alone.\n• The Buzzcocks -- "Ever Fallen In Love?" Not only a fantastic song, but captures the sort of wonderfully stupid dilemma that only love can bring -- which is worse: being mistreated by a significant other or complaining and having her dump you?\n• Jay-Z -- "99 Problems." Yeah, the premise is kind of misogynistic ("I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one!"), but it helps us single guys feel like less of losers. It's our pint of ice cream and Meg Ryan movie. \n• Joy Division -- "Love Will Tear Us Apart." An epically bleak classic about how two people can be lonelier together than apart. It wasn't long after writing this that that singer Ian Curtis killed himself.\n• Nina Simone -- "Feeling Good." The lyrics mention breezes and rivers and butterflies -- but, God, listen to the sadness in her voice and those horns! That title -- talk about false \nadvertising.\n• The Divinyls -- "I Touch Myself." The perfect conclusion to this list -- after all, isn't this how 86.5 percent of people's Valentine's Days conclude, anyway?
