I love lobster

My grandmother and I have dramatically different tastes. \nShe likes Republicans; I like Democrats. She likes hugging my little brother Sean; I like duct-taping him to the walls. I like partying at Pi Kapps; she likes partying at Acacia. \nNevertheless, one thing we can always agree on -- and will always agree on -- is the savory goodness of Red Lobster. \nFor those of you reading this column internationally -- particularly my immensely loyal Ethiopian readers -- you may be relatively unfamiliar with this American treasure. So sit down on your Laz-E-Boys and allow me to explain. \nRed Lobster is a fine-dining eating establishment renowned for its unusually peppy, Caucasian hostesses and its delicious seafood entrees. Its signature lobster is a feat of crustacean cuisine, so plump and heavenly it's like eating Charlotte Church.\nWhile it's true that the majority of food is oozing with sodium and globs of saturated fat, no one seems to care. Why?\nWell, the answer is obvious. It's sinfully delicious -- duh! \nIt would be interesting to note that if you replace the jumbo shrimp with jumbo thugs, eatable crabs with venereal crabs, you would inevitably end up with the restaurant equivalent of the VH1 dating show "I Love New York."\nLike the oh-so-caloric seafood dishes, the show is devilishly tasty, peppered with the same ingredients for televised success as its predecessor, "Flavor of Love." The show centers on the dating tribulations of Tiffany Pollard, aka "New York" -- a loud, breast-tattooed diva with a big mansion and a big weave (neither of which are hers). \nFrom a pool of 20 men, most of whom are self-appropriated fly-ass pimps, Pollard attempts to find a suitable long-term hubby. The producers of the show add some "spice" to the premise, however, by picking primarily male contestants with severe psychological imbalances and affinities for violence. \nOne of the shows deranged contestants -- a dashing young man by the name of "Pootie" -- was recently ejected from the show, after a near mental breakdown. \nHowever, deranged Pootie is nothing new for the VH1 network. On the most recent season of "Flavor of Love," one of the female contestants was reprimanded for accidentally defecating on the floor. \nBecause of such outlandishly uncouth stunts and general lack of moral decorum, it has -- of course - quickly become an American favorite. According to Variety, the program had "the best start for a series in VH1 history," its premiere capturing an impressive 4.43 million viewers. \nThough educated scholars are undoubtedly slamming the show for its corruption of American civilization -- and viewers would probably agree -- one fact remains clear: The viewing public has a taste for this mentally, caloric type of programming. After all, the show is like one big Cheddar Bay Biscuit: gluttonous, unhealthy, but undeniably filling.\nSo, if you have a penchant for tactless humor and trash TV -- watch away. Though, as I'm sure your grandma would tell you, it's in pretty poor taste.