Hot fun in the summertime

It’s everybody’s favorite time of year. The SRSC is busier than a couple of Mormon lovers, anyone who’s anyone is getting their lattes made nonfat, and HydroxyCut is being passed around like joints at a Bob Marley show.\nYes, spring break is almost here. It’s so close, you can feel the Mexican busboys undressing you with their eyes from here.\nRegardless of where you’re headed this year – Cancun, Daytona, Juneau – you’re going to have to pack a swimsuit. I, personally, am bringing six on my trip to Connecticut, where I will split most of my time between the tanning booth and the bathtub. \nSo, despite the fact that it is February and my legs are still thawing out from last month, I’m ready to get everyone suited up for the beach. The likelihood is high that you’ll be too crunkity crunk by noon to even notice those busboys. But let’s face it: Busboys or not, we’re all attention whores. Especially on spring break.\nLet’s take care of the ladies first. In the swimsuit decision-making process, the first question to answer is the most crucial: one-piece or two-piece? There used to be a three-piece option, but sporting a North Face jacket with your teeny bikini is so 2005.\nFor my bigger gals out there, I have a few words of wisdom: Two-pieces – unlike Twinkies or corned beef hash – are not your friend. Just think of them as scales. Wearing a one-piece is not like relinquishing your position as chairman of the Full-Figured and Fabulous Club. Knowing what your body does and does not look good in is sexy, and trying to dream the impossible bikini dream will cause your sexy potential to plummet.\nAlso, Old Navy called – it wants everyone to stop buying tankinis. If you are a lean little mama, why would you want to cover up your hot bod? And if you’re not such a lean little mama, keep in mind that tankinis are not the cure-all solution to hiding your “holiday weight” (which has been there since New Year 2001). No offense, but two-pieces are still two-pieces – when it comes to chocolate and swimsuits, one piece is enough.\nWhen it comes to the pattern of the suit, it’s pretty hard to go wrong. Basic colors are always a great option (especially when they are livened up with a cute sarong, or even just a necklace). Black suits will attract rays of sunshine, but white suits will attract a lot of guys named Ray. Get wet and you’ll raise a few “spirits,” too, if you know what I mean.\nIf you want to forgo the solid route, try a small flowered print or maybe a little paisley. For a more-sweet-than-sexy look, any of the Lucky Charm prints will do. Hearts and stars are magically delicious this season.\nNow, faithful male readers who have made it this far down the page, your getup is a hell of a lot easier. My one cardinal rule about men in the summertime is please, for the love of Giorgio Armani, give up the hibiscus print board shorts. For the horticulturally challenged, hibiscus is a big Hawaiian flower that has kept Pacific Sunwear in business since I was in junior high. Loosely translated, it means “douche flower.” Give it up.\nSolid shorts speak volumes, but don’t shy away from a little plaid or paisley. You’ll probably have better luck with the ladies if you stand out a bit. Maybe you’ll even snag a white bikini-clad sun goddess, but she’s probably just a tease.\nHopefully, everyone will have an orgasmic spring break, but don’t let your new sexy threads land you a spot on “Girls Gone Wild.” Republicans will protest, and you’ll never be allowed in Jake’s again.