Change your attire, get the job you desire

In the immortal words of The Offspring: "Na-na, why don't you get a job?"\nGood advice from the boys who brought you the backup tunes for your favorite cinematic masterpieces such as "American Pie 2," "How to Eat Fried Worms" and "Bubble Boy." But, really, why don't you get a job? \nIs it because you've gone shirtless in overalls and boobie tassels to your last three job interviews? Given the recent research conducted on 5,689 randomly selected college students (all white, heterosexual males, of course), there is a 67 percent chance that you were sporting those tassels. Shame.\nThe disclaimer here is that I am not trying to be any type of authority on job searching. I am currently pursuing a part-time job search the size of Dolly Parton's left nipple, and in January alone I was proven underqualified for a $5.15-an-hour library job, a position as a flower delivery person and being a member of a hot-air balloon chase team. Seriously. But none of those even made it to the interview stage; I'm sure if one had, however, that I would have knocked his or her professional socks off with my appropriate attire and sparkling personality. So despite my inability to function as a financial independent, here is my advice to you for picking the perfect job interview outfit.\nFirst of all, it is important to note what not to wear. As I'm sure Stacy and Clinton would tell you, these items have been officially listed as Don'ts: jeans, hoodies, T-shirts promoting "4/20" or George Bush, flip-flops, NASCAR jackets or anything Tara Reid might have in her closet. Also, in a press release issued by someone really important last week, corporate America has officially banned Ugg boots and black stretch pants from its employment qualifications. Keep 'em at home, ladies, then burn them. \nThat being said, dressing for an interview is not cardiothoracic surgery. Have you ever had to go out to dinner with a boyfriend's or girlfriend's grandparents? It's basically that.\nNow, depending on the type of job you may be applying for, the outfit can be modified. Since it is now February and the more ambitious students are starting to apply for summer internships or jobs if they are graduating, I'll mainly be referring to this type of job search. (McDonald's may be more of a "No shoes, no shirt? You're hired!" type of establishment.)\nFor my ladies out there, your best bet would be a pantsuit or a conservative dress and jacket. Although many people heed the warning against certain colors, I'm a firm believer that no color is bad when worn tastefully. You don't have to dress like a Republican librarian trapped in a sexless marriage to get a job. For example, if you want to wear pink, go ahead -- but make sure it's just one piece of your color puzzle. If when you arrive, the interviewer comments that your blazer is just like one of Samantha's on "Sex and the City," just run away. Fast. \nAlso, Jane Harvey, a wardrobe consultant for CareerBuilder.com, comically notes that "fingernails should be trimmed to a length that doesn't leave an observer wondering how you keep from stabbing yourself." Also, you run the risk of stabbing your potential employer. Then you might as well be Britney Spears applying for a job at a panty store. \nFor all my boys, CareerBuilder.com recommends you "wear a suit or sport jacket with color coordinated trousers." Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. By color coordinated, they're probably assuming you know this does not mean light blue polyester on light blue polyester. Nor does it mean one of those tuxedo T-shirts. But dark dress shoes are a must.\nMy last tip is to give the interviewer something to remember you by. Not literally -- don't give him or her a fruit basket or a strip of Magnums -- but wear something small and memorable. For example, a printed scarf or tie just might make the interviewer say, "Oh, that boy in the green paisley tie? I love paisley. Let's hire him and pay him oodles." \nIt's possible.\nAnd hey, if that doesn't work out, at least you know you can always go on Ricki Lake.