Why I'm so great

On Tuesday night, Peggy Klaus, communications specialist and author of the recently published book "Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It," presented an interactive program called "Bragging Rights." During the program, Klaus explained that everyone must brag about themselves to get somewhere in life. My heart skipped a beat as I read the Indiana Daily Student article covering the event. (I admit that I did not attend the program, which, in retrospect, I highly regret). \nFinally, someone has given me fuel to add to my fire.\nSo here it is, ladies and gentlemen (and straight-up barbarians): more than 300 words on a topic that I know quite intimately -- me! Let's face it: I'm kind of a big deal. People know me, but not half as well as they should. The only question is: What of all of my achievements should I tell? Or maybe the question is: What shouldn't I tell you? My whole life story is vital!\nFirst things first. The ladies love me! I'm smart, I'm funny and I don't have any disgusting habits (unless you count being disgustingly handsome). I'm admittedly more cute than hot but am extremely attractive in my own "Jake's the man" sort of way. The cute reporters at the IDS tend to flock around the opinion desk when I'm there, and who can blame them? I mean, it's me. Who wouldn't want to talk to me -- or undress me with their eyes? \nI also have this James Bond aura around me. If three guys walked into the Union with handguns, I could neutralize the situation using only a paper clip and my radio watch (on backorder from London). I'm the kind of guy who saves the day. Not because I work hard (I do) or because I just happen to be in the right place at the right time (I generally am), but because I really am just that good.\nTake a sample of my blood and you'll find that the "coolness" gene has been passed down to me from my dad (who, by the way, could beat up your dad any day of the week). I don't even have to pop my collar or be able to dance. I simply perspire and coolness fills the air. I am socially and chemically the coolest guy on campus. \nAlso, it has been scientifically proven that I am, in technical terms, "smarter than hell." Now that's smart, kids. I'm probably smarter than most, but since I can't speak for what science has discovered about all of you, I won't go there.\nI need a cigarette. My narcissism has finally been gratified, at least for now. That came close to being better than sex. Now that I'm done, let's hear why you are so special. Submit letters to letters@indiana.edu.