Rehab won't save Lohan's soul

After a tumultuous 2006, hard partier and sometimes actress Lindsay Lohan finally checked into rehab.\nIn a most ironic turn of events, it was Brandon Davis, the same guy who once called her a "fire crotch," who so fixedly urged her to check herself into the Wonderland Center in West Hollywood. This was just after he spent some time at the center himself. Ah, celebrities -- they're so fickle. One minute they're calling each other fire crotches, the next they're recommending rehab centers to one another. \nWhile most news sources are discussing whether Lohan will overcome her addiction or if she will ultimately relapse, the outcome of her treatment is irrelevant. No matter which path she takes, her post-rehab days will, well, kind of suck. \nLet's say she'll stay sober. Sure, her overall health will benefit and she will no longer be the butt of so many jokes. But on the downside, the life of a sober Lohan will undoubtedly be profoundly dull. Even if she stays away from the illicit substances she is attempting to be rehabilitated from (booze, coke and/or pills), she will likely move on to other products (meth, heroin and/or paint).\nIf she spirals back to her old ways, she'll turn into another Tara Reid. That is, she'll only be remembered for her outrageous intoxicated behavior, not her career by any means. \nThe real significance of Lohan's attempt at rehab lies in her actual decision to put herself through the process. Her recent coverage is the best publicity the actress has received since her "Mean Girls" days. For once, the American public is sympathetic toward her and seems hopeful for a comeback. Like when Britney Spears tried her futile comeback, the public will be eager to see Lohan without the former significant other who was bringing her down. For Lohan, her ex is a water bottle filled with vodka. \nIt's hard to imagine a world without rehab. It is perhaps the easiest and most efficient tool for celebrities who need to vindicate their image. Historically, rehab made a great save for famous entertainers who were witnessing a backlash from the drug exploration years with the creation of the Betty Ford Clinic in 1982. Its alumni range from actors Elizabeth Taylor and Chevy Chase to musicians Bobby Brown and Jerry Lewis. \nAfter the widespread appeal of rehab, promotion of drug resistance exploded in America. If we were living in the '80s, Lindsay would be guest-starring on "Diff'rent Strokes" alongside Nancy Regan; if it were the '90s she'd be out telling elementary-school kids in inner city New York to "just say no."\nBut we are living in a new era, one in which Lindsay will embark upon a post-rehab comeback tour. She'll hit up the talk shows, go on "Saturday Night Live" to make fun of her old self, and find some charity sponsor. \nBut I say, "Once a fire crotch, always a fire crotch"