Online Only: Ring-tone rage

Cellphones are far too important to turn off for a silly thing like class. I have classified those of you who seem to think this into three basic categories.\nThe Scrambler: You are the person who immediately becomes shocked and embarrassed by your phone's obstruction, as though you had no idea that a cellular device with an antennae and a signal and a setting switched to play Kanye West at record-breaking volumes whenever anyone calls might actually go off at that inconvenient time of the day we refer to as class. You begin scrambling frantically through your backpack, purse or pants to silence your phone as Kanye continues to belt out all imaginable profanities. It will inevitably take you an unthinkably long time to locate your phone, given the pressure of everyone staring at you and giggling at your phone's filthy lyrics and relishing in the relief that this is happening to you and not any of us. By the time you actually locate it, it has probably stopped ringing.\nThe Sham: You are the person who doesn't want anyone to know that it is your phone ringing, as if we can't follow the sound of your phone's obnoxious parade march and pinpoint your despicable, lying eyes anyway. We all exchange glances, trying to catch a leak of the guilt onto your face, sitting at the edges of our seats waiting for you to fess up and trying to assess how angry the teacher is at you and, in all honesty, getting pretty excited in anticipation of your punishment. But you, of course, proceed to sit there innocently as the parade marches on.\nThe Vibrator: You are the person who thinks putting your phone on vibrate mode is equally as effective as putting it on silent. I am here to tell you that there is nothing silent about vibrate mode, as it actually reverberates throughout the entire classroom, shaking the backpack it sits in, your row of seats and the entire foundation of the building. In the event that I happen to be drifting off to sleep during class, your phone's vibrations startle me from my peaceful slumber and propel me into a state of panic as the ground quakes beneath me, and in my post-nap confusion, I can only assume that the apocalypse has come. "Silent" is just one click away from "Vibrate," kids.\nNo matter which category you fall in, there is one thing you all have in common: After class you immediately begin dialing everyone on your entire contact list. "Hey, I just got out of class. I'm in Ballantine. I'm on the third floor. I'm going to the bathroom. I just walked into a pillar." Who are these people on the other end who must urgently be informed of your exact locations? And more importantly, why is there nobody anxiously waiting by their phones for me to get out of class to inform them of my geographic coordinates? Maybe I'm just bitter.