Context matters

A very wise professor of mine once quipped that context matters in every situation. Granted, this was a very ambiguous statement, but I thrive on such ambiguity. \nIt wasn't until I found the bottom of approximately 47 bottles of Baily's Irish Cream that I realized the accuracy of my professor's statement.\n(Sidenote: Doctors agree that large quantities of Baily's will not result in drunkenness, only cramps. Nor does it exonerate you from any assault you might be guilty of. Wash off your bloody nose and move on.)\nWe routinely blow situations out of proportion without understanding the full context. But we can't be faulted for this; it's our nature. In the interest of disclosure, I should admit that I constantly take people's words out of context. A few examples:\n"We need to find some place to do the crack." This was heard as I walked by a couple on campus. Naturally, I was inclined to think someone was doing drugs. But after thinking about it, I determined that "the crack" merely referred to the newest dance craze. Kilroy's Sports, therefore, is the perfect place to do "the crack." That girl grinding in front of you will be doing the "Herpes test" Monday, yet another craze in Bloomington.\n"I thought this week would be gay." Unfortunately, many people seem to use "gay" and "stupid" interchangeably, and I reasoned that this overheard phone conversation consisted of just that. However, then I remembered how often I've awoke Monday morning and thought, the next five days will be just like two men having mutual sex. Of course, why would I think anything different?\n"Once Upon a Child." Alert reader Brent McGill brought this one to my attention. In all seriousness, it initially sounds like a pedophile recovery group. (Not to joke about that subject, because it's truly sick.) In reality, the store sells second-hand children's clothes and toys. However, "Twice Upon a Child" is not a second-hand store. That one's sick.\nNo matter your opinion of George "Huggable Teddy Bear" Bush, you have to admit that both the media and oh, say, 6 billion people constantly take the man's words the wrong way.\nTake, for example, godless secular liberal Michael Moore. He recently used Bush's plan to increase troop levels in Iraq as a platform for why Bush voters should fight the war. Moore's claim was certainly an empty ploy, but he still misread the president's words -- as the vast left-wing conspiracy always does. Apparently Moore (and most other people) never let Bush finish his thought on troop levels. Luckily, I caught the whole sentence:\n"I'm calling for an increase of 21,500 more troops in Iraq. These troops will serve the important mission of delivering ice cream to the country's limbless orphans. Everyone likes ice cream, even terrorists."\nSo, don't be too quick to discount the president's plan. Sounds like he's got the scoop on the situation. Break out the ice cream. I hope it's chocolate.