Burning bridges

Fergie wants you to come around. This makes her "London, London Bridge wanna go down like London London London." \nLast time I checked, London Bridge is indeed one of those architectural marvels that falls under the category of "bridge."\nThe actual London Bridge in England prevents visitors from having to swim across the River Thames or use the less beloved Tower Bridge. Let's face it, nobody likes the Tower Bridge. Call me a hateful bigot, but not all bridges were created equal. \nI'm confused about how Fergie's personal London Bridge wants to go down like London London London. Is London sinking? I thought that was Venice-- and the Herman B Wells Library. Should the international community be concerned here? \nI'm well aware that IU students don't need to be preached to. We already have crazy old men with amusing mannerisms standing around between Woodburn and Ballantine telling us we're going to hell and attempting to convert us to Christianity by silently approaching us and trying to press Bibles against our foreheads. \nI don't have the heart to tell them that if studying for chemistry via osmosis didn't work, trying to convert hedonistic heathens via osmosis won't work either. \nSince you all have probably experienced such oddities on campus I'm not going to get preachy on you about the music you may or may not listen to. \nInstead, I'm going to mock it. \nWhat exactly is this London Bridge that Fergie is so fondly referring? I have no clue. Granted, it's most likely some obscure sexual reference. My trusty friend Google looked into profound meanings of this song a little further. I shall not disclose my top-secret research findings, but one thing is obvious:\nThe music industry is running out of hip, sexual practices on which to base its songs . Therefore, it's decided to pull them out of their ever-shaking booties. \nHow can the industry follow up the hip, sexiness of lyrics like "My hump. My hump my hump my hump"? \nThe answer is simple: It can't. The Pussycat Dolls were so stressed about by their inability to find fresh slang describing parts of the human anatomy that they inserted "beeps" in their places instead. Take their hit song (I use the term "hit" loosely) "Beep," for example. The lyrics go something like, "I don't give a BEEP, keep looking at my BEEP. I'ma do my thing while you're playing with your BEEP."\nCan one really blame Fergie for spinning around 10 times blindfolded and pointing to a tourist's map of London in her quest to find new innuendo-filled vernacular? \nYou can't blame her. Some people actually buy into this stuff.\nMusic police have created a profile of the perpetrators. They're faked-baked to a toasty orange, their hair is blonde with mouse-brown roots, and they can be found on college campuses everywhere. \nDamn. \nUpper middle-class coeds really need to stop drunkenly grinding on their girlfriends while using so called music like "London Bridge" to make themselves feel more sexy and ghetto-chic than they really are. If they continue, music will never improve.