Bisexual burritos

Sex and meat metaphors. \nFor whatever reason, all of my columns seem to involve these two subjects. They are the essential elements of my writing: the sandwich and juice box of each journalistic sack lunch.\nLooking back, it's astounding how many times I've referred to male phalluses as "hickory-smoked bacon," women's hindquarters as "yum-yum tenderloins" and the act of sexual intercourse itself as "crunching the dirty tacos of desire."\nSome say I'm sexually frustrated. \nHowever, considering my recent sexual proclivity, I sincerely doubt it. A recent study conducted by The New York Times, in fact, concluded that there's a 68.7 percent chance that I'm a dirty whore. \nAnd if you round up, the number speaks for itself. \n(WARNING -- Grandma, the aforementioned joke might have caused irregular heart murmurs. Take your blood pressure medication, and call that number I wrote on the fridge.)\nActually, the truth is: I'm all talk. The last person to enter my bed, in fact, was a man by the name of "stats homework" and trust me ... he wasn't very good. \nI fell asleep while doing him.\nHence, my nymphomania is exercised solely in the bedroom of journalism, which is why I will utilize such scandalous meat metaphors yet again to discuss another prevalent, sexual issue: male bisexuality. \n"What's bisexuality?" asks "Dancing With The Stars" runner-up Mario Lopez. "Honestly, I have little to no idea."\nWell, Mario, allow me to explain in restaurant terminology. If sexuality were a Don Pablo's, where only crotch burritos are served, bisexuals would get theirs with both meat and vegetables. However, unlike food omnivores, sexual omnivores are viewed as abnormal. \nIn fact, of all versions of diverse sexuality, bisexuality seems to be one of the hardest to accept. Even the notion of homosexuality seems more universally embraced. Why?\nAs Americans, we tend to compartmentalize every aspect of living, generally into culturally established binaries (meaning things are either one thing or another, leaving no room for middle ground). \nSomething is either ON or OFF. Hot or cold. Republican or Democrat. Gay or straight. \nIn an article titled "Myths/realities of bisexuality," author Sharon Sumpter challenges the popularized myth that bisexuality simply does not exist. Truly, bisexuals are often regarded as fictitious creatures, as if from C.S. Lewis's "The Lion, The Witch and Anne Heche."\nIt is a common belief that bisexuals are just plain gay. People who hold this belief disassociate the possibility of dual sexuality, splitting the Venn diagram of gender preference into two, distinct circles. \nHowever, Alfred Kinsey theorized that there is, in fact, an overlap. According to the Kinsey Institute Web site, "Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual." Instead, Kinsey established a six-point sexuality scale, where zero is complete heterosexuality and six is Clay Aiken (any day now). \nBy researching the Kinsey information and looking at the continuum of male sexuality, it becomes apparent that these omnivores do, in fact, exist. Perhaps carnivores and herbivores are simply too picky of eaters.\nAfter all, as Mama says, it's important to have a well-balanced diet.