President Scott

As everyone and their cousin knows, IU is searching for a replacement for President Adam Herbert. Consider the following conversation between my cousin in Florida and myself.\nCousin: Hey, Scott.\nMe: What up, home fry?\nCousin: I hear they're looking for a new president at IU, right?\nMe: Yeah. \nThe presidential search committee, chaired by board of trustees member Sue Talbot, held public forums Sept. 15 to flaunt the fact that no undergraduate student from Bloomington is on the committee. Consider the following conversation between Talbot and Betsy Henke, IUSA President:\nHenke: There's sub-par student representation on the search committee. \nTalbot: I know. Ha ha. Sucks to be you!\nMuch like the above conversation with my cousin, the Talbot-Henke exchange never happened, but it's still funny to think about.\nWhat is true, however, is that the search committee looks for a certain set of leadership characteristics in its candidates. A few of the listed qualities that are sought for a president include unassailable integrity, demonstrated work ethic and commitment to diversity. With these in mind, I'd like to officially announce that the presidential search is over. I'm your man!\nWhy am I the next president? Well, based on the search committee's leadership standards, I assert that I'm the perfect candidate. Consider my qualifications:\nUnassailable integrity: For starters, I'm an Eagle Scout. At age 10, I punched a girl on the playground, but I felt bad about it later. I also went to a homecoming dance in high school with a girl because I felt sorry for her. I'm pretty sure that bleeds integrity.\nWork ethic: For years I've labored in my academic pursuits. I once stayed up until one in the morning typing a paper. During finals week several years ago I studied in the library until 9 p.m. As a result, I didn't eat dinner until after 10. Do you realize what I'm saying? I didn't even have a snack, for crying out loud! If that's not work ethic, I don't know what is.\nCommitment to diversity: Two of my best friends are Korean and American Indian. Once, I was in a bar when a priest and a rabbi walked in, and I didn't make a joke. I even ordered a drink for the rabbi. I'm secure enough to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" without my girlfriend present. Because of this, I've taken to waxing my eyebrows. I thought it was weird at first, but my Korean friend said it brought out the color of my eyes. Then he winked. I punched him, but I felt bad about it later. That's pretty much the definition of diversity in my book.\nThere you have it, my qualifications for president. Sure, I don't have a Ph.D., but I could easily get one from the University of Phoenix or the IU sociology department. \nI'll take my paycheck by direct deposit. Thanks.