Pepperoni and condoms

There are a couple of things about Bloomington's pizza industry that we just don't understand. Don't get us wrong; We're not complaining about what this town has to offer. We just want to address a few peculiarities. First on our list: Hey, Pizza Express, what's the link between condoms and pizza? Our only possible explanation is that the condoms are used as gloves when they run out. Perhaps soaring latex prices forced Pizza Express to cut costs and the part of the glove that covers the palm. The mental image of a pizza-maker with five condoms on his or her fingers spreading cheese and sauce around does not necessarily make us crave pizza, but ignorance is bliss, right? \nAnother thing we have questions about is why pizza places feel the need to sell every possible variation of the ingredients cheese, sauce and bread. Cheesy bread, breadsticks. Anyone else notice that we're paying money to take the pizza places' scraps off their hands? What's next? Are they going to take all the bits and pieces of toppings that fall onto the floor, throw them onto some dough and call it the "Dingleberry Special"? \nSpeaking of toppings, the enormous amount of cinnamon present at pizza places also seems slightly unconventional. That's not to say cinnamon isn't a savory spice, but when did cinnamon and pepperoni become the peanut butter and jelly of pizza?\nOne final thing we don't understand: Portuguese. Not one word. Neither of us. But that's a horse of a different color. \nNow that we've aired some of our grievances, here are a few suggestions for how to improve the pizza experience (not that getting condoms with pizza is a bad thing). Mother Bear's, is there any way to avoid dividing your deep-dish pizza into an odd number of slices? The awkwardness caused by determining who gets the last slice is a huge factor to consider when deciding from where to order (On a side note, our personal solution is to put the leftovers in the refrigerator and try to steal the last slice before everyone else wakes up the next morning). \nMad Mushroom, stop beating around the bush and just change the name of the $3.99 pizza deal to the "Under the Influence" special. A helpful tip to the IU Police Department: Follow Mad Mushroom delivery people, and arrest whoever ordered (except for us). They are likely currently impaired. Aver's, enough with the creepy commercials. Silence is golden, but not when your viewers are likely intoxicated and easily startled by a grown man shouting "still crazy."\nEach pizza place has its own distinct style and taste. As self-appointed pizza connoisseurs, we recommend trying all the different establishments Bloomington has to offer. You never know what you'll find, whether it's a tasty new topping combination or three glow-in-the-dark condoms. In trying to conclude, we spent hours trying to think of a clever joke to put here, but everything we came up with was way too cheesy.