The Catcher and the Lie

Welcome to Opening Day 2006. The sun is out and baseball is on television at 1 p.m. -- giving me yet another excuse to miss class. Forget 2001. This is the year of Barry Bonds. And whether you hate him or really hate him, what Bonds does during every at-bat will shape what kind of a season this will be remembered for. \nSo without further ado ... I present Opening Day 2006. \n-- How do you know it's Opening Day in Chicago? Cubs' pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are on the disabled list. Has anyone had more of a 180-degree turn in luck in the past few years than the Cubs? In 2003 they were five outs from the World Series and the bandwagon was full of fans and filled with fuel when the 2004 cover of Sports Illustrated wrote that the Cubbies would return to the Championship stage. One year later Sammy Sosa is gone, Nomar Garciaparra is playing shortstop and the White Sox win the World Series. In the words of Austin Powers, "Ouch, baby -- very ouch."\n-- Former Mets pitcher Kris Benson and his sex-savvy star wife Anna Benson were traded to the Baltimore Orioles in the off-season. Anna is famous for her claim that if Kris cheated on her while traveling, she would sleep with the entire Mets team including the bat boys. Last week she filed for divorce from Kris -- enshrining, forever, one joke: What do Anna Benson and Javy Lopez have in common? Come Opening Day in Baltimore ... they'll both be catchers. \n-- Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria admitted Sunday that talks to move the team to San Antonio had become serious. Personally, I like where Loria is going with this. Now that current immigration laws are in serious jeopardy, Loria can try and sneak as many baseball-playing Mexicans over the border (or under the fence) as possible. Amnesty definitely covers a starter equipped with a strong slider. \n-- Boston's newest reliever Julian Tavarez was suspended for the first 10 games of the season for punching Tampa Bay's first baseman Joey Gathright in the face when Gathright's back was turned. Hey Julian, if you really want to get pleasure out of punching someone when their back is turned, you should call Anna Benson. \n-- The Washington Nationals' biggest acquisition in the off-season was Texas' second baseman Alfonso Soriano. When Soriano found out that the Nationals -- based in Washington D.C. -- were moving him to left field, he protested but eventually gave in. What Soriano should have done instead was stand at second base hours before game time and refuse to move. Foolish? Nope. It's filibustering. \n-- I've got to admit when I heard ESPN was doing a reality series called "Bonds on Bonds" I thought it was a series in which Barry explains the importance of bailing your friends out of jail. Frankly, I don't care what Barry has to say about himself now -- he was a liar and he's an even bigger liar now. The only reason Bonds is doing this show is because he has an approval rating worse than President Bush. My problem is not with Barry Bonds 2006; my problem is with Barry Bonds 1999-2004. My problem is with a guy who tries to play the "Race Card" for his lack of popularity when a black man, Hank Aaron, wrote the home run record he is trying to eclipse. Ask me who the most dominant player in Major League Baseball has been over the past decade, and you'll get a two word answer, neither of which start with the letter "B": Mariano Rivera.\nWelcome to Opening Day 2006: the year of Bonds. He will be swatting fastballs and steroid allegations at the same time. He will be breaking records and hearts at the same time. And no matter what the outcome in October, he will be a hero and a villain at the same time. \nIf there is any justice in baseball, Bonds will soon be gone from the game. He will plummet down a deep and dark abyss, falling as fast as he had risen, like one of his home run balls. \nAnd if he's lucky enough, maybe Anna Benson will be there to catch him.