Kinsey Confidential

QUESTION: I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He was very thoughtful and made sure that it was what I wanted to do and it was. However, as I've read is normal, it was unbearable the first time and he had to stop. During the first few times, the condoms seemed to be burning me, so we stopped using condoms and it got better. More recently it seems I've lost my sex drive. He thinks that I am not attracted to him. This is not the case, and I really do love him and am attracted to him. I just have no desire for sex or even masturbation. I'm also lacking lubrication even when I'm really excited. I feel like the pain during/after sex is due to a lack of lubrication because it's a friction-like pain. We tried Astroglide and KY but both burned. I looked and I don't see any sores or anything, and I don't experience sore-like pain at any other time. I never have had problems with a tampon or small vibrator. I had been taking Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo and, more recently, switched to the NuvaRing at the nurse's suggestion to see if that would bring back my sex drive at all (it didn't). What can I do? \nANSWER: These are all great questions and these issues are all actually quite common. First, while women often experience discomfort during the first few times that they attempt vaginal penetration, if a woman's body continues to feel discomfort or pain, it is a good idea to explore the situation. Good for you for listening to your body and seeking answers for your pain. \nOften, a woman and her partner find that applying a store-bought lubricant to their genitals can make sex feel more comfortable and pleasurable for both partners. Although Astroglide and K-Y Jelly are popular brands, both products use ingredients that are known to sometimes cause irritation or burning. While not all women experience irritation, some do, and it might be worth considering lubricants that are targeted toward women such as Pink, Bliss or Sensua Organics (see www.babeland.com or www.goodvibes.com). \nCondoms add extra friction and often are sold as already lubricated (and the lubricant might cause irritation). However, this doesn't mean that condoms shouldn't be used as they remain an effective way to reduce the risk of infection and unintended pregnancy when used consistently and correctly. Some people choose unlubricated condoms and simply add their preferred lubricant so as to reduce the risk of lube-associated irritation. \nAs for a lack of interest and lubrication, it might be that your mind and body have gotten into a cycle where they are not responding to sexual cues in the way you want to (with interest or lubrication) because of a history of pain and discomfort. Talking with a counselor or sex therapist might be helpful, as might trying more pleasurable forms of sexual expression with your partner. For example, consider sexual activities (like kissing, sensual touching, oral sex, mutual masturbation, bathing together) that are likely to feel good to you both -- and not feel painful - instead of trying intercourse for a few weeks. \nIt also might be that your birth control is associated with both the decrease in sexual interest and lubrication. Some women have found that they lubricate less when they use birth control methods that are low in estrogen (like Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, the "lo" referring to lower in estrogen than other preparations). While NuvaRing is not a low-estrogen method, it -- like all forms of hormonal contraception -- has the potential for being linked to low interest and lubrication in some, but not all, women who use it. You might talk with your healthcare provider about other formulations of birth control pills (or switching methods altogether) that might be suitable for you given your personal health history and birth control needs. \nIt might be a good idea, too, to check in with a dermatologist or gynecologist to rule out any skin or other genital conditions that might be causing pain or discomfort (see ww.nva.org for info about genital pain). If you feel sad, depressed, stressed or anxious lately, these too might be contributing to your changes in sexual interest and lubrication, and it might be useful to speak with a counselor or therapist. Talking this over with a therapist or counselor might also be helpful should you have feelings about your relationship or your decision to be sexual with your partner that you'd like to explore. \nAgain, the issues you raised are very common among women. However, because there are many possible reasons for pain during sex as well as changes in sexual interest and lubrication, it is important to rule out medical conditions, consult your healthcare provider and to be kind to and patient with yourself as you explore the possibilities. Listening to your body and seeking out answers are good first steps -- and there are many other ways to experience sexual sharing and intimacy with your partner that can feel pleasurable and good to you both.