Kinsey Confidential

Q: My friend had a girlfriend with whom he had a deep relationship until they started to have sex after a year into the relationship. His girlfriend told me that she could not be in a relationship that did not sexually meet her needs. She explained to me that my friend did not have a good-sized penis. After hearing this I noticed something about my friend in the showers after a workout. He hid himself the whole time standing in the corner and holding a cloth over his penis. His ex said he was shorter than four inches and she felt dirty because she did not feel him at all. The problem comes in that he is now saying untruthful things about her, and she had informed me that she is going to tell him the truth about why she left him. Should I tell him first why she left or should I let her tell him? \nA: Thanks for your question. It's difficult to know what to do in these situations, and I'm sorry that we can't advise you in either direction. It truly is a personal decision whether to tell your friend or not. \nOne issue to consider is that even if the girl said she broke up with your friend because of penis size, that doesn't necessarily mean that it was the only reason. Sex therapists often find that people blame breakups or relationship problems on something sexual when in reality there are often underlying issues why they broke up. In this situation where you described them as having had a "deep relationship" for a year, it's possible there were other factors that contributed to either one of them deciding to end the relationship. They might even have very different perspectives on the relationship, meaning he might have become dissatisfied for one reason, and she might have become dissatisfied for other reasons (perhaps including size).\nIn terms of his genitals, the penis one sees in the locker room is not necessarily the same penis that reveals itself in the bedroom. Often a man will have a small flaccid (soft) penis that can grow substantially larger when erect (hard). Other times a man has a large flaccid penis that doesn't get much bigger when it becomes erect. In other words, the size of a flaccid penis is not a good predictor of the size of the erect penis.\nPenis size -- while important to some women -- is not important to all. Even among those who prefer a larger penis size, it is important to note that most penises are around five to six inches when erect. Even if he is around four inches erect, that's not terribly small. \nPlus, size is certainly not everything when it comes to sexuality. Regarding her feeling "dirty", there could be other explanations. Perhaps she was raised with strict cultural or religious values that make her feel "dirty" for having had sex before marriage or with someone with whom she wasn't in love. Maybe she felt she was not ready for sex.\nIn terms of why he covers himself in the showers, many men actually do this. Not everyone feels comfortable being naked in front of others. Some men feel self-conscious about their pubic hair, penis size, the way their genitals look in other ways, their scrotum or even the fact that some people get erections in the shower (and might feel awkward about that). Others simply don't want other people looking at their genitals. \nThe bottom line is that the situation is likely more complex than meets the eye. I hope this information is helpful as you think about what role -- if any -- you want to have in their relationship issues.