Column for sale

My Indiana Daily Student colleague Peter Chen wrote a column the other week in support of public broadcasting. Shortly afterward, he received an appreciative package from local public broadcasting station WTIU. This package included a note, but more importantly, it contained hilarious Monty Python Flying Circus specials and a lovable Big Bird stuffed animal.\nThis got me thinking, and I realized ... all this time I've used my columns to try to stir discussion about free speech in the international community, the subtleties of Supreme Court nominations and the battle between intelligent design and evolution. I've been getting this all wrong. In my naiveté, I thought that I should write in order to promote thoughtful debate and discussion about complex issues. Not anymore. I want to bring to the attention of all readers that this column space is now for sale.\nThis paper has a daily circulation of 17,000, and many more of you are reading this column online. In exchange for a column promoting your cause, I am willing to accept donations in the form of cash, checks or gift packages. Businesses in Bloomington should be especially interested since their products target a high percentage of IDS readers.\nUnlike Armstrong Williams, who commanded $240,000 from the Bush administration to promote its No Child Left Behind Act, I am much more flexible and willing to work for much less. Like $24. That's 10,000 times less than Williams was worth, and I'm sure my audience is more than one-ten-thousandth the size of his, so this would be a bargain. And also unlike him, there's not a chance I would ever be caught. That's simply not possible, since I would never leave any evidence indicating I would engage in such a nefarious deal.\nI don't really expect this to work out, but that's OK. If no one takes the bait, at least I have a refrigerator full of delicious Coca-Cola products. I think I'll go pop a refreshing can right now. I hear they fill this nectar with gold dust. Frankly, I don't see how it's possible that they don't fill each can with copious quantities of gold dust. I'm writing this as I enjoy this divine beverage this very moment.\nAnd you should too.\n... See! That was pretty slick, wasn't it? Consider this one gratis, Coca-Cola (but a charitable donation would of course be welcomed. We should at least keep in touch. For example, I'd be willing to write about why it is acceptable to kill off union leaders, assuming they are being really obstructive). \nThey'll all be subtle like this first one. I'll try my best not to be obvious about selling my column. I hear some people have a problem with this, although for the life of me I can't see why. Something about ethics ... or something. Whatever. I'll be too busy rolling around in my mad cash money to notice or care.