The First Annual JB Awards

My obsession with award shows typically hits a fever pitch at this point in the year, around the time Oscar nominations are announced and I pick a couple of movies to support and one contender to denounce. Now that I have my heavy-hitters to talk up ("Munich," "Brokeback Mountain") and an equally reviled counterpart to bash ("Crash"), I decided to host my own lonely award show. It's sort of like Eric Cartman and his backyard tea party. If only Keira Knightley would show up to play Polly Prissy Pants.\nConsidering my recent preference of DVD viewing over multiplex outings, I've not seen every film up for award contention, be it Oscars or Razzies (no "Walk the Line," "Capote," "Good Night and Good Luck"). I have, however, spent a good deal of time in the theater and an immense sum of money at Best Buy and Blockbuster combing over last year's cinematic offerings, and I'm ready to hand out the awards.\nMost Overhyped Movie Actually Worthy of the Hype: "Brokeback Mountain." Regardless of the much ballyhooed romance between the film's male leads and the copious political banter concerning Hollywood being a liberal clearinghouse, Ang Lee's heartbreaking, personal film is among the top few of 2005 and worth every award it is honored.\nBest Case for More Remakes: "King Kong." Peter Jackson instilled his version of "Kong" with every ounce of fervent fanboy love for the original that existed within his newly gaunt frame. Lifelong obsession with the original film should be a requirement when hiring directors of all remake films.\nBest Case for More Comic Book Movies: "Batman Begins." I hope Christopher Nolan holds onto the helm of this franchise, because it's the only way it will ever return to the Tim Burton glory days. "Begins" made the X-men series look like a hack-job, setting a high standard for comic-based films.\nMost Annoying Movie (the nails-on-a-chalkboard prize): "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Throughout its length, Garth Jennings' adaptation of Douglas Adams' book is like the worst of Monty Python filtered through a muddy lens of bad puppetry, clunky one-liners and a musical score by KidsSongs.\nMost Temporarily Frightening Villain: Tripods -- "War of the Worlds." They were eventually destroyed by the common cold, but in the brief time that they were around, nothing could stand up to their vaporizing death rays and human blood harvesting.\nNaughtiest Nude Scene: Alexis \nDziena -- "Broken Flowers." When the 21-year-old Dziena (playing an underage teen) appears before Bill Murray in full-frontal and rear exposure, audiences are not sure whether to laugh, gawk or gasp. Murray's priceless reaction relieves all tension\nBiggest Hollywood Mistake: Uwe Boll's career. How did Hollywood react in the aftermath of the cinematic bowel movements known as "House of the Dead," "Alone in the Dark" and "BloodRayne"? By welcoming "In the Name of the King and Hunter: A Dungeon Siege Tale," directed by Boll. Three more Uwe-bombs are in the works.\nMost Shocking Onscreen Death: Marie-Josée Croze -- "Munich." Eric Bana and Daniel Craig enter a houseboat, screw their cap guns together, pop some heat into a female assassin and wait for her to die as she takes the time to pet her cat. When she takes a seat, blood spewing from her neck, Hanns Zischler drapes her gown open for humiliation's sake. This is Spielberg at his most stunningly heartless.\nBest Documentary that Oscars failed to nominate for Best Documentary: "Grizzly Man." "March of the Penguins" was cute, but Werner Herzog's harrowing chronicle of madman/naturalist Timothy Treadwell, who died in 2003 at the claws and jaws of the grizzly bears for whom he cared for so deeply, cuts to the heart of man's desire to become one with nature.\nMost Inept Directorial Decision: Michael Bay -- "The Island." Scarlett Johansson expressed a public desire to appear topless in her romp with Ewan McGregor. Bay denied her the opportunity, insisting on a PG-13 rating. "The Island" was budgeted at $126 million, and took in $36 million in domestic box office. Michael Bay fails at life.\n Unfortunately Overlooked Movie: "Jarhead." Sam Mendes' surreal look at the existence of soldiers during the first Gulf War went nearly unnoticed by mainstream audiences, either due to adverse politics or general disinterest in parallels between that war and our own. Hopefully the film will be afforded renewed life on DVD.\nMost Overrated Oscar Dark Horse (the honorary "Million Dollar Baby"/ "English Patient"/ "Shakespeare in Love" award): "Crash." Add one part "Magnolia," one part "Amores Perros," one part "Short Cuts," a mostly mediocre cast and a wholly unrealistic screenplay and you get a final product that in no way equals the sum of its innumerable parts.\nBest Picture That Has No Chance of Winning the Best Picture Oscar: "Munich." "Brokeback" is the odds-on favorite, but "Munich" is the year's best film, with Steven Spielberg, cinematographer Janusz Kaminski, composer John Williams and scribe Tony Kushner working at the top of their respective fields.