Get out the gay

It's a dark time for gays. In his State of the Union address last week, President Bush berated activist judges trying to change the definition of marriage for the third year. When your minority is an applause line for a Republican, you know you're on the defensive.\nI've decided the problem is our minority is too minor: There just aren't enough gays. Unlike gremlins and Catholics, gays can't reproduce naturally. We have to proselytize like Baptists. Therefore, I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about ways to get our recruitment numbers up.\nFirst, we need to gussy up gay marriage. Gay prenuptial agreements might be a good start, with clauses such as, "In the event Bill leaves Ted for his personal trainer, Ted keeps all the fabulous marital property and Bill keeps the kids."\nActually, in gay divorce there should be fewer children to divide up anyway. I propose that in the interest of fairness, all children should be divided in Solomonic fashion, right down the middle.\nNext, we need to switch our drug of choice. For the past several years, methamphetamine has been on the rise with gay men while cocaine has stagnated. Come on, guys! There's nothing glamorous about a drug guys named Leroy can make in their bathtubs. If we want fence-sitters to take the gay plunge, we're going to have to bring back the imported finery of coke. Viva la 1980s!\nWe should remind people that nobody actually dies of HIV/AIDS anymore.\nThen, we have to remember a huge part of the gay agenda is corrupting children. Thus, I propose we hire more gay teachers to seduce the hearts and minds of the young as early as possible. There's only so much we liberal academics can do with them once they get to college.\nWe could capitalize on the county fair phenomenon here in the Midwest; after all, we're very fairy people. We might run martini stands, for instance, or combine reality TV with an old standby to come up with a Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Bachelor booth.\nWe could get endorsements from uber-masculine superstars, such as Eric Bana, Jamie Foxx and Jared from Subway. We could offer signing bonuses.\nWe could seduce more straight people, making sure to take lots of photos for blackmail. If we can't get real pictures, well, that's why God invented PhotoShop.\nMy favorite proposal is that we start reverse hate-criming. If guys don't feel safe being openly straight, they might give serious thought to converting.\nFinally, nothing can beat good old-fashioned door-to-door get-out-the-gay operations, rainbow clipboards in tow.\nOf course, I'm kidding, being offensively over-the-top to make a point: Gays don't recruit. Nature does our recruiting, steadily keeping our number between 6 and 10 percent of the population -- somewhere between 18 and 30 million people in America. With the help of gay-friendly friends, that should be more than enough to defend our civil rights.\nBut that's only if every gay American would come out of the closet, stand tall and refuse to be ignored.