Flat on your face

The Olympics should be a big deal -- kind of like Ron Burgundy. Imagine an NFL season that only came around every four years or the NASCAR season appearing as often as a presidential election. Well, OK -- I wouldn't mind NASCAR coming around every decade if possible, but hey -- another time, another column. \nIn fact, the Olympics were as interesting as men in cars driving in circles, and well, nothing innovative here. \nSo here are some fast facts:\n-- Snowboarding, an Olympic event introduced in the 1998 Winter Games in Nagano, accounted for seven of America's 25 total medals, including three gold and three silver medals. \n-- Shani Davis became the first black athlete to win an individual gold medal in Winter Olympics history, winning it in men's 5,000-meter speed skating.\n-- Shaun White, a gold medalist in men's half pipe, will join the ranks of Supremely Ugly Dudes who will eventually marry a supermodel along with David Copperfield and Seal. I guess ladies love guys who can turn tricks.\nMeanwhile, men's figure skater Johnny Weir, without a medal, is awaiting a Channel Bravo opening for a cameo in "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." \n-- Ted Ligety, a 21-year-old from Salt Lake City, truly earned his nickname "Ligety Split" in Turin. In his first-ever event (men's alpine skiing combined), in his first ever Olympics, Ligety pulled off the improbable, winning his first-ever gold medal. \n-- After winning the gold medal in men's 500-meter speedskating event and silver in the 1,000-meter event, Joey Cheek decided to donate the winnings from his medals to "Right to Play," a charity that helps children in Sudan. Cheek even challenged corporations to follow his example, leading to nine corporations donating more than a quarter of a million dollars to the charity. Even Chinese short track Olympic medalist Yang Yang (any relation to Yin Yang?) said she would donate her $10,000 bronze medal bonus.\nIn truth though, the Games were about who wanted to be Andrew Shaffer's Sugar Momma. Two front runners were snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis and figure skater Sasha Cohen. Both women auditioned for "Who Wants To Be My Boo?" but each reached media-induced mediocrity. Cohen was the clear-cut front-runner in women's figure skating but fell -- literally -- short. She dropped, not only to a silver medal, but from the ranks of Shaffe's Sugar Momma. Jacobellis looked to take the reigns (she had me at "Visa"), but she chose style over substance -- landing flat on her face in the final stretch, watching as Switzerland's Tanja Friedan took the lead and the gold. \nBut while Jacobellis fell on her face -- literally -- men's downhill skier and patriotic poster boy for Americans in Turin, Bode Miller, fell on his face metaphorically. Miller was this year's winter Michael Phelps -- only without the talent and the medals. After appearing everywhere from ESPN to Rolling Stone magazine, Miller did a stage dive down the ranks of Olympic omnipotence and face-first into failure. \nThankfully, my Sugar Momma did emerge. Along with partner Ben Agosto, Tanith Belbin (go ahead, Google her picture) became the first U.S. ice dancing medalist at the Olympics in 30 years. What about Agosto, you ask? Please ... Agosto looks like a cross between Aladdin and Ali-G, minus the magic carpet and the masculinity. Besides -- I can turn tricks with the best of them. For my next act I will finish this really, really long column.\nJust like that, the Winter Games in Turin came to a finale. The story of the media and men's skiing at Turin can be told through two athletes: Ligety and Miller. Ligety came into the Winter Games without hype, only hope. Meanwhile, Miller left without medals and without merit. Just like that, Bode Miller's Olympic Games were over. Just like that, what seemed like a common collision for the most highly touted Americans in these Winter Games, Miller comes home medal-less. Just like that, he fell flat on his face. Just like that, Ligety split.