One hell of a drink

As a columnist I always need to be on the lookout for the next social injustice to espouse in my hopelessly ineffectual 500 words. This week's en vogue topics include Supreme Court nominations, Fourth Amendment violations and coal mine collapsations, but all that had to take a back seat to another more pressing matter.\nI've hired a paramilitary unit to assassinate the dangerously unstable (and quite possibly unionized) leadership of campus advocacy group No Sweat!\nI understand there may be some readers who feel my actions were impetuous and my opinions not entirely thought through, but if the great Pepsi Challenge called life has taught me anything it's that Coca-Cola is worth killing for.\nThe beverage nazis over at No Sweat! and similar groups across the nation would have you believe that the Atlanta based Coca-Cola company is behind the killings of union leaders at bottling factories in Columbia, and for that reason university administrators should cancel the contract IU has with Coke. This isn't the first time the issue has come up; eight colleges including New York University and the University of Michigan have discontinued their dealings with Coca-Cola. Fortunately enough for Coke, none of the allegations have been satisfactorily substantiated. According to Tuesday's Indiana Daily Student two separate judicial rulings have found no evidence supporting a connection between factory managers and union leaders.\nAll that aside, Coca-Cola is an American institution and singularly responsible for Christmas, or at least for Santa Claus' red and white color scheme. Unlike Pepsi, parading around in red, white and blue just like you know who ... the French. Now I try to avoid stereotypes, but those cheese-eating surrender monkeys at Pepsi don't have the balls to exploit their workers and murder union leaders. At IU, we need to make sure we're ingesting the kind of carbonated courage that only Coca-Cola can provide. Drinking Coke will ensure that the next generation of Kelley graduates is prepared to take over the difficult task of systematically subjugating the developing world, and in the end, isn't turning a profit what it's all about? \nFor the sake of argument, let's pretend that all the rumors coming out of Columbia can be proven. It doesn't really change anything. As a capitalist society in a global market place, the consumer is responsible for finding the best value. It's the reason Wal-Mart is so popular. More to the point, it's why IU basketball wears Adidas shoes instead of Doc Martens; never mind the fact that they were stitched together by six-year-olds in some non-air-conditioned basement in central Thailand. \nIt just seems excessive to cancel a contract that brings in $1.7 million a year because of a call to arms against multi-national corporations by misguided leftists who listen to System of a Down and attend World Trade Organization protests via CNN. Besides, even if everything were true — the kidnappings, the torture, the murders — the only mistake Coke made was not killing enough people (people who talk about things they shouldn't be).