Internet + dating = lame

I was thinking the other day about where exactly I get my dating advice. In the early days my parents were there for me, explaining why it was a bad idea to breakup with someone through an Instant Message, and I still have my friends to give me (mostly) solid advice. But I think it might be time to call in the experts. I've decided on eHarmony (www.eHarmony.com).\nI won't bore you with the details of how I ended up on the Web site, but let's just say it involved a little bit of free time, a little bit of Web surfing and a lot of advertising on the Game Show Network. \nSoon after registering I got an e-mail from Dr. Neil Clark Warren (the founder of eHarmony) telling me, "By registering, you have started on your way to a happy, successful \nrelationship."\nSolid. I haven't even been on the Web site and Neil is already leading by example. The next time I start dating a girl I'm going to tell her, "By saying yes to this date, you have started on your way to a happy, successful relationship." It's friendly, welcoming and non-threatening.\nPoking around on the Web site, I learned that "Exhaustive research with thousands of couples found that there are 29 Key Dimensions of Compatibility necessary for success in a long term relationship."\nWhat? Why didn't anybody ever tell me this? I feel cheated, and yet a little better about myself. Clearly, my dating problems aren't my fault. I wasn't looking for the 29 Key Dimensions of Compatibility.\nArmed with this new knowledge, I decided I'd go back through my little black book. Then I remembered I don't have a little black book. Don't worry though -- this is a problem I plan on remedying very soon (although, it seems a little wasteful to buy a whole book for so few names).\nLooking back, it became clear that my old system didn't match Neil's. Instead, I was focused on finding someone who I could have good conversations with, who had a solid sense of humor and who didn't mind potentially marrying a writer (although I hear a low, unsteady income is what girls are looking for these days).\nInstead, Neil was telling me I needed to look at my Compatibility Profile and see what type of girl was suggested for me.\nIt turns out that without a little down payment, I wasn't going to get much (which, incidentally, is something I hope I never end up saying regarding a date). He did suggest I find someone who "tends to like to get things done when they need doing, although she may sometimes procrastinate." \nTo be honest, I'm not really sure what to do with that.\nThe rest of my profile was equally confusing, which frustrated me a little until I figured something out: even someone with as much expertise as Neil has a hard time pegging all my intricacies.\nClearly this dating thing is going to be harder than I thought.