Europe: Welcome to winter

Hell is freezing over. And by hell, I basically mean France.\nAt least researchers have finally published good news about global warming.\nGlobal warming is, ironically, making Europe colder. It turns out that their wonderful climate is maintained by the Gulf Stream current in the Atlantic Ocean, but water from melting glaciers is slowing that down. Preliminary data shows that the Gulf Stream has slowed 30 percent since 1992 (Time magazine, Tuesday). \nThis proves that God finally stopped liking Europe more than us.\nAnd it's about time they get the cold they deserve. European countries have been far too long enjoying temperate weather inappropriate to their latitude. London, for example, is 400 miles north of Montreal, yet its average yearly temperature is 8 degrees warmer. Madrid and Chicago share nearly the same latitude, yet Chicago spends three months with an average temperature below freezing while Madrid doesn't even spend a month scraping its windshields.\nOf course the European Union has a higher GDP than the United States; we can't be expected to compete with the EU super economy when so much time during our winter is spent shoveling show, waiting for tow trucks and getting pneumonia instead of doing productive things like earning and spending money.\nBesides, ice was a strategic advantage for the Soviets as the Nazis marched toward Moscow, and perhaps we could use that same advantage to fight the war on terror. Better yet, the ice covering would offer a better route to the Middle East, instead of traversing through hostile African waters.\nOnce Europe starts freezing, there's no end to American dominance. They'll need more and more power to get through the cold months, and who will they call but American energy companies? As they use more energy, spreading even more wonderful greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, the continent will get colder. That will generate even more business for our poor, suffering energy companies.\nBut best of all, while the rest of the continent is freezing, the glaciers in the Alps and Pyrenees are melting, meaning those unappreciative Europeans will soon no longer be able to enjoy wonderful skiing without paying the price: shoveling driveways, slipping on ice and frozen gas tanks.\nPresident Bush did the right thing to not sign or even attempt to enforce legislation similar to the Kyoto Protocal. Everyone knows the treaty is nothing more than a global effort to bring down the United States because the whole world is clearly out to get us.\nSo what if global warming might cause massive weather changes? Since we can't prove global warming exists anyway, why inconvenience ourselves with reducing greenhouse emissions and our dependence on fossil fuel? Everyone knows Americans are already vastly underweight; we couldn't possibly ask them to bicycle a mile to work everyday, as they might starve.\nFortunately, by the time scientists find incontrovertible evidence to support global warming, we'll probably be dead anyway. It's not our problem, and if the future thinks they're so smart, they'll figure it out.