Y2 'Gay'

Author Chinua Achebe once wrote that "things fall apart." \nAlthough I disagree with Chinua's name, as I hate anyone whose name is merely a country with an injected vowel, I agree with his observation. Things do fall apart; quite frequently, in fact. \nCookies crumble. The London Bridge "falls down." Breast implants combust. \nLike all of the aforementioned examples, American society will likewise "fall apart" if actions are not taken to prevent the agenda of one of the most evil, pervasive, devilish, anti-good groups in world, if not the galaxy. I'm talking about "the gays."\nHomosexual marriage must be banned immediately. By preventing the constitutional amendment against such social atrocity, we are merely holding in a "political fart." If we don't "release" this amendment right away and continue to clench our moral butt cheeks, the gas will eventually revert into our bodies and explode our hearts. \nAllowing gays to wed will turn this world upside down. Life as we know it will be drastically altered.\nIf we allow gays to marry, Santa Claus will die. Witches and trolls will begin to rule the Earth. Teeter-totters will start to malfunction, inhibiting their riders from both "teetering" and "tottering." It will be the dawning of a new era: Y2 "Gay."\nStock your bunkers. Batten the hatches. Hide your votives. \nThe gays are invading!\nA number of religious scholars and theorists have similar reasons why gays should be forbidden to marry. The top three reasons are as follows:\n1) Homosexuals are not monogamous. \nThis is true. Take me for example. I'm a homosexual, and I have had more than 1,760 partners. And that's only in the continental United States. If you start counting sex on islands and Canadian isthmuses, the number doubles. Some of my most famous sexual partners include Tom Cruise, George Clooney, Aladdin, the Arby's oven mitt, Regis Philbin and the 2001 Denver Nuggets. \n2) Homosexual marriage is a "slippery-slope." It will lead to interspecies marriage.\nWhat do you mean "will"? A large sub-section of my sexual list already includes animals. Lots of animals. Omnivores. Carnivores. Vertebrates. Invertebrates. For six months, in fact, I was in a serious relationship with a koala. Things ended, though, partially because we had different career goals but mainly because he fell out of a tree and died. My sexual proclivity, as well as many other gays', also includes insects. When the cicadas came back in 2004, we were all like, "Hell yeah ... orgy!" \n3) Homosexuals will buy all the fabric to re-upholster stuff and heterosexuals will freeze to death. \nThis is an inevitable result of the legalization of gay marriage. Homosexuals will rejoice as straight people turn into ice men. Then, they will take the heterosexual people, crush them into snow cones and eat them while dancing with witches to "I Will Survive."\nIs this really what we want for America: a land where heterosexual people are snow cones and teeter-totters don't work?\nJoin with me to unite against the homosexual forces of evil before things really fall apart.