Q: How many, on average, relationships are men (women) involved in before marriage? Is there any correlation between the number of relationships (or perhaps average length of relationships) and age of marriage? Thanks.
A: We don't have a good way to estimate the average number of relationships that men (or women) are involved in prior to marriage or other committed partnerships. That's largely because a "relationship" is a very tricky thing to define. \nConsider how vaguely a relationship is defined among your friends. Once two people start spending time together, it's anybody's guess when they consider themselves "in a relationship" as opposed to being "just friends," friends with benefits or casually dating. Defining relationships is tricky for researchers, too.\nBecause of that difficulty, I'm not aware of any research that has provided valid estimates of the number of dating or romantic relationships before marriage. However, because the median age of first marriage has increased over time (in the United States, Census figures show 27 for men and 25 for women), men and women are both more likely to have more dating (and sexual) experience prior to marriage than during older generations.\nIn terms of relationship length, some research suggests that teenagers who either don't date much or date just a little bit (a few casual dates or a few steady boyfriends or girlfriends) have better quality relationships as adults compared to "heavy daters" (teenagers who had many casual dates or overlapping relationships). Other research hasn't been able to confirm these findings. In other words, we still have a lot to learn about how adolescent relationships might (or might not) be linked to adult relationships or marriage.\nThat said, our society is very interested in what keeps people together or breaks them apart, particularly when it comes to the ever-evolving institution of marriage. Research tends to find some similar patterns related to marriage and divorce including the following: people who marry as teenagers have a significantly higher rate of divorce than those that marry later; college-educated individuals are more likely to marry (and less likely to divorce) than those with less formal education; and married men and women report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than unmarried individuals. \nThe media -- and probably some of your parents -- have talked a lot about how couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who waited to live together until marriage (or those who moved in together with the intention of marrying). Research certainly suggests this, though it's a complex issue. \nResearchers have been careful to point out that ideas (and stigma) related to unmarried couples living together have changed over time and that perhaps young couples who live together now won't have the same divorce risk as the previous generations of cohabitators who were part of such research studies. We simply don't know what the future will hold, and we can't predict whether a specific relationship will succeed or fail.\nIn addition, unmarried couples who live together are different in other ways than couples who live together only after marriage, and it seems that those characteristics account for at least some of the divorce risk.\nOf course, not everyone chooses to marry -- and not everyone who wants to marry (e.g. same-sex couples) can legally do so throughout the United States. Perhaps we need more research to understand the diverse range of relationships (e.g. first marriages, subsequent marriages, gay, lesbian and bisexual relationships and marriages, polyamorous relationships) and factors that contribute to people's happiness and well-being in -- or out of -- these relationships. Research on successful marriages provides a good starting point for understanding how factors like communication and conflict resolution contribute to lasting relationships.\nFor more information, check out "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver; the Web site of the National Marriage Project (http://marriage.rutgers.edu); or "From This Day Forward: Commitment, Marriage, and Family in Lesbian and Gay Relationships" by Gretchen Stiers. The KISISS Web site lists additional resources of interest.
