A brand new me

I 've never really been too fond of New Year's resolutions. Mine never seem to last very long and really, it's just depressing. However, I've decided this year that it may be a good idea to set a few goals for myself in the name of self-improvement. \nResolution 1: Don't fall down the stairs at Ballantine. This may seem like a superfluous goal to some, but really I think I met my annual quota of wipeouts last year. This year I'm working on having a higher level of confidence (i.e. not being a freshman) and nothing smashes one's sense of self-worth like a face plant on the way to class. \nIf you haven't experienced this yet, you are either lucky or, more likely, you simply have a better sense of balance then me. I never know if I should attempt to play it off (as if anyone actually means to fall down stairs) or just shoot quick, awkward glances to the surrounding students.\nI am sad to note that this first resolution died on the second day of class. I hadn't even made it to the first floor when I managed to bite it and fling my books in all directions. It was pretty rough. Good thing I have some more resolutions to fall back on.\nResolution 2: Watch less television. I am happy to report that this resolution has been successfully reached so far; albeit, it has not been my sheer willpower which has guided me through this lofty goal. Rather, it is the cable company's unwavering incompetence at setting up a satellite on our roof.\nTo no avail, the company has been outside our apartment numerous times according to my roommate Seth. And Seth is the expert on this, seeing as how he often can be found staring at them through the window and muttering inaudibly.\nResolution 3: Meet the neighbors. Sadly, I abandoned this resolution less then a week into the year. I don't want to divulge too many details because I'm not sure about the rules of writing a column that pertains to an ongoing police investigation. However, I feel it's safe to tell you that there was a little incident involving a drunk guy angrily setting a motorcycle on fire outside. He obviously wasn't taking the lack of cable any better than Seth.\nResolution 4: Beat Super Mario World. In a cable and Internet-less existence. Super Nintendo has become a staple in my house. I have received panicked phone calls between classes asking how to get out of the Enchanted Forest and I've returned home to find a gaggle of people huddled around the television watching my roommate Oscar glide through a level only to lose Yoshi at the last second. \nI do fear, however, that if the cable is eventually turned on, our Super Mario days will be over. Then again, what's a good resolution if you don't abandon it at your earliest convenience?