Don't bother digging up 'Gold'

"National Lampoon's Gold Diggers" is a bad movie. Possibly the stupidest, most boring flick ever made since the beginning of time.\nPlayboy Bunny Nikki Ziering is on the DVD's cover. This implies a crude comedy with at least one-sided sex appeal going for it, but Ziering's part is smaller than her swimsuit. Her bare breasts themselves don't make it worth watching Cal (Will Friedle of "Boy Meets World") and Lenny (Chris Owen, the sex-addicted nerd in "American Pie") drag the plot along the other 98 percent of the time.\nTheir broads, Doris (former Woody Allen leading lady Louise Lasser) and Betty (Renée Taylor, Oscar-nominated writer-actress) bring name recognition to the credits -- that is if you were young during disco. True, they're old, but they do clean up nice. Picture an old woman in a sexy nurse's uniform -- or on second thought, just rent this DVD!\nOrphaned and broke, Cal and Lenny set out for the American dream by marrying Betty and Doris for their money -- only, psych! The newlywed husbands don't know their wives' fortune, made from Dad's invention of sausage wrap condoms, has been siphoned away by their nut job uncle. Each side plots to use the other via marriage and murder for inheritance and life insurance.\nThe comedy's script is banal, comic timing is nonexistent and anticipated gags are stretched further than "your mom" jokes were in middle school. Its unoriginal scenes include a knocking-over-an-urn bit, a geek strolling around in a smoking jacket after sex and the wear-a-suit-of-steaks-and-get-attacked-by-a-doberman routine (see: "Meet the Parents," "Revenge of the Nerds" and "Jackass: The Movie").\nI hate to say it, but the latter half of the movie actually does have a bit of spirit, and I actually smiled (just once!) when the scheming couples argue and then come to terms.\nBetty tells Cal, "Killing me is one thing, but you hurt my feelings," after they take turns insulting each other's privates. Meanwhile, Lenny and Doris realize some of the best relationships begin with attempted murder, one saying to the other, "There's not a person alive who doesn't at one time or another think about killing their spouse." These two fantasize of growing old together at the ripe ages of 80 and 130.\nThe DVD's extras include 10 deleted scenes, bloopers, gold-digging tips, the trailer and outtakes of Ziering topless, hence the absence of the movie's original PG-13 rating.\nGuys, it's not worth it. "Gold Diggers" is a DVD I give three pointing structures of my body way down.