A queer solar system

Have you ever noticed how homosexual outer space seems to be? Come on now, there's "Uranus," "black holes," not to mention planets, which are really nothing more than giant, cosmic testicles. In a way, outer space is like an intergalactic gay nightclub, with all of the planets dancing around the world's largest disco ball: the sun. Hence, I believe that outer space is, in fact, a closeted homosexual.\nThis theory becomes increasingly validated by constellations. As if stars just aren't flaming enough, the other day I saw Aquarius undoing Orion's belt. \nNeedless to say, he had a pretty big dipper.\nDespite the fact that the galaxy's gayness has now reached Jupiter-sized proportions, the question still remains, "Is the universe closeting its sexuality?" \nThis universal gossip not only applies to celestial bodies, but human bodies as well. \nMany earthlings, though they might claim to be heterosexual, have simply too many tendencies to ignore. \nWhy is it, then, that although asking about someone's astrological sign is so easy, asking someone about someone's sexual sign is so difficult? \nThe query is this: When it comes to "questionable homosexuality," is it better to perpetually question someone's straightness or simply get straight to the question? \nBecause this accusation comes with the risk of offensiveness, most people just stick with gossiping, piecing together various pieces of evidence, like gay Clue. ("It was Colonel Mustard ... at the Cher concert ... with the throw pillow.") The irony, however, is that although heterosexuals speculate and desperately try "outing people," the majority of straight people still consider homosexuality unnatural. Perhaps it's just so they know who to oppress.\nSome, on the other hand, are simply relationship scouting. Beware, however, of the sexually wishy-washy. It is important to know someone's orientation before entering infatuation. If you're not careful, your heart could end up blown to pieces.\nIt's funny, though. Generally, it seems gay men tend to like straight men, straight men like gay women, gay women like straight women, and straight women like gay men. The traditional "love-triangle" has now evolved into a new shape: the Homo/Hetero rhombus. Nearly every woman, at some point, falls in love with a gay man. It's become a female right-of-passage, as inevitable as menstruation or sexism. \nConsider my story. I always suspected a male friend of mine from high school was a "mo." He was involved in choir, gymnastics, color-coordinated his outfits and watched "Charmed," a TV show which might as well be called "Up the Rear."\nFinally, last weekend, exhausted because of perpetually wondering, I asked him directly if he was gay, anticipating an affirmative response and positioned myself for the smooch. \n"Uh ... no."\nI felt like I had just reentered the Earth's atmosphere in a spacesuit from Burlington Coat Factory. \nIt's embarrassing enough to tell someone you like them. It's even more embarrassing when they're like, "Hey ... I don't like your gender."\nNevertheless, now that the lunar phase of mortification has passed, I find myself relieved and refreshed. All the wasteful "wishing upon a star" is finally over.\nWondering about what people do behind closed doors in bed is a natural curiosity. While I do encourage asking about someone's orientation, I would say it's still important to use the right context. Crowded gymnasiums, bordellos and sporting arenas are not appropriate venues. If you're going to ask, you should sit your friend or crush down privately, ask him or her casually and accept whatever answer he or she gives you as the truth, even if you think he or she is not being completely honest. \nAnd if they really are keeping their sexuality private, until it happens that they feel comfortable to talk about it, all you can do is wait, hoping that one day they, like the sun, will finally come out to shine -- hot, flaming and fabulous.