Spank the tank

When people piss me off, I bite them. \nOne time, for instance, when I was little, my sister called me a "vas deferens." So I bit her face. \nWhen my parents found out, I was subject to the inevitable punishment: an arse whoopin'. I was bent over at the waist, and my father's hand did thrice hit my bottom. The red marking was so clear afterward I could have sat on somebody's hand and given them a high five. Sometimes at night, as I weep, I can still hear the cheeky slaps echoing in my cerebrum.\nUnfortunately, I recently received yet another painful spanking -- an allegorical spanking -- one that has transcended not only my individual butt, but the collective "butt" of the entire United States. This spanking has been causing pain and agitation for millions of Americans -- thwacking the economy's tush with a malicious, violent hand. That's right. We have all been bum-whacked ... by high gas prices.\nSpankity Spank!\nAs you have undoubtedly noticed, a gallon of gas now costs more than two Sacajaweas. Though less than six years ago gas could be purchased for a minimum of 96 cents, as stated by www.fueleconomy.gov, the minimum price of regular unleaded gas has now almost tripled.\nRecently, an additional slap has been added to this incessant gas gouging. The average retail price for all three grades increased 12.74 cents per gallon between March 4 and March 18, a 13 percent gain.\nSpankity Spank!\nJust as a literal spanking is painful to the butt, this economical spank is painful to the wallet. College students in particular are subject to financial woe -- take me for example, a middle-class college student. Filling up at the pump the other day cost an excruciating $33.46 dollars. \nThank God I'm not Hawaiian, though. Not only do I look terrible in a sarong, gas prices in Honolulu rose to a whopping $2.34 per gallon.\nSpankity Spank!\nUnfortunately, gasoline is the paddle used by our sado-masochistic economy. And, according to government-regulated www.agroplastics.com, we only have about 100 years of gasoline left. Furthermore, until utter depletion, prices will continue to rise dramatically, already to an estimated $3 a gallon by this summer. \nSo, how do we combat this harsh economical spanking?\nTwo courses of action can, and must be, taken.\nWhen I was spanked as a child, I would double-up on the tightey-whiteys to cushion the big whoop impact. The same strategy can be used in our society: preparation. We need to start investing more in alternative energy sources. \nThe U.S. government has taken poor and painfully slow steps in developing efficient hybrid cars. Though engineers are apparently working on solar- and wind-powered vehicles, right now pretty much all they have is a car with a big windmill duct-taped on top. Likewise, the race to discover a way of splitting the hydrogen atom, so that water can be used as fuel, is moving slowly because we aren't funding the research. \nOur second course of action can be applied easily: using alternative modes of transportation. Car pooling, using smaller vehicles and taking alternate mass transportation systems are crucial. For college students, it's as simple as riding home with a friend who lives near you or taking the campus buses. \nBy investing in alternative energy sources and modes of mass transportation, the spankers responsible for gouging the American people will eventually become the spankees. And it's about time for a governmental arse whoopin', giving it a taste of its own spankity spank.\nI think I speak for all of us when I say ... they can kiss my tank.