Happy birthday, Mr. President

What do you do when you can't afford to give out birthday gifts? How about a private office, an A permit and résumé-building contacts? If you have a friend whose birthday falls on Feb. 22 or 23, this could be your lucky day.\nLast year, the leading IUSA ticket, Big Red, earned only 3,200 votes. About 20 percent of campus actually votes each year, and anyone getting 40 percent of the votes will be a clear winner. With TheFacebook, one member could easily have a social network with more members than the total of all voters in the IUSA election. It wouldn't be too hard to convince all of your non-voting friends and all of their friends up until the fourth degree of separation to write-in the same person, thus ensuring the esteemed position for your unwitting candidate-friend.\nBesides the aforementioned perks, said friend will then be able to bribe voters, Boss Tweed-style, with the car of his or her choosing, appoint you into executive positions, buddy up with the administration and then fire you when you get into a fight about who has the right to date whom. \nAt this point, you probably realize that you are completely capable of gathering the votes, but you still might be afraid that your friend isn't qualified to be president. Don't worry. The only responsibility he/she will have in his/her new position will be to "work to protect student rights, enrich student life, and improve Indiana University," according to the IUSA constitution. \nThus, prior to your write-in campaign, give your friend the following three-question quiz: 1. Would IU be vastly improved with the addition of free bumper cars in Ballantine Hall? 2. Would student life be enriched by providing free, mandatory Caribbean cruises to all graduating seniors? 3. Do under-age drinkers have the right to get plastered in their dorm rooms? If your friend answers yes to all three questions, then congratulations, he/she will make a successful IUSA president.\nIf you have a relatively small social network on TheFacebook, then this endeavor may be a little too large for you. In that case, you can instead surprise your friend with a mere "dorm representative" title. You might only need to garner 100 votes to make it happen. The best part of this undertaking is you will also get to play a little trick on next year's residents at the dorm. Your friend will be moving out of the dorm anyway, so he/she can go to IUSA and present a proposal to save the students money by eliminating the position of building exterminator to Foster Quad. After all, we all know freshmen don't mind cockroaches.\nIUSA has the power equivalent to a high school student council, except the student council gets to plan school dances. But unlike high school students, we should, by now, realize IUSA's limitations. Voting between "beer, books, and basketball," eliminating "the party police," and vagueness galore is like voting between dying by lethal injection, a firing squad or the chair.\nTherefore, writing in a friend is not only a great birthday surprise; it's an act of political rebellion. If an unofficial candidate actually wins the election, future candidates will know that we want real promises and the IU administration will know that we want our representatives to have more power. Plus, it would just be really funny.\nIf you can't think of anyone to write-in, go ahead and type in your own name. If you're afraid of actually winning, then write me in instead. I promise to legalize Schedule I drugs on campus, build an open bar in Dunn Meadow and give my former professors the finger as I steal their parking spots.