Reconstruction deconstructed

Last week, a run-on sentence and a severely mixed metaphor followed by a cascade of dangling participles led to the tragic collapse of this column, afflicting dozens with eye strain and a widespread sense of confusion.\nBut today, U.N. Under-Secretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs and Emergency Relief Coordinator Jan Egbeater announced that the United Nations has developed a four-point plan for responding to this crisis. This plan, entitled "Preparation for Assistance in Emergency Column Help" (Preparation-AECH), upon proper application, will decrease readers' irritation and provide soothing relief to the Opinion page's affected region. Preparation-AECH comprises the following:\n• Diplomatic representatives from countries wishing to assist in applying Preparation-AECH will meet with U.N. officials at a special conference in Vienna, where the representatives will be asked to draw up a statement of intent, indicating that they will consider the possibility of holding a symposium on the potential use of fact-finding missions to examine the implications of organizing a summit at which the collected leaders may evaluate the prospect of convening an assembly for the discussion of options inherent in the creation of a temporary group for the organization of talks on the precursory discussions involved in the preparation for the planning of emergency aid efforts. This conference will take place in six months, or upon a date for which all the representatives have no scheduling conflicts. And not on a Sunday, unless "Desperate Housewives" is a repeat.\n• Once the initial preparations have been made, the coordination of the aid effort will be headed by an experienced and trusted U.N. official: Benon DaTake, former director of Iraq's Oil-for-Food program. The U.S. government has accused Mr. DaTake of accepting oil as payment from the Saddam Hussein regime -- but such charges are unsubstantiated. "The Americans have undertaken a witch hunt against me," Mr. DaTake has said, "because they can't compete with my low, low prices! Come on down to Crazy Benon's and get some crude for your brood!"\n• The United Nations has recently come under criticism for its handling of charges of sexual harassment against senior officials. This criticism is false and unfounded, of course, but we are nevertheless concerned about the organization's image. Thus, former U.N. High-Commissioner for Refugees Ruud Luvvin will head a Health and Occupational Regulations, New Investigations (HOR-NI) unit for the column reconstruction program. "My unit has experience with probing deeply into sensitive areas before they become inflamed," Mr. Luvvin has said, "and will serve as a tool for handling any gaps between regulation and practice that the U.N. needs filled."\n• To guarantee the highest standards of integrity and freedom of expression, the U.N. Commission on Human Rights has selected a committee to oversee this column's content until the IDS is prepared to resume full sovereignty. Members of the Content Committee include delegates from China, Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Syria. The chair of the committee, the honorable delegate from Syria, assures readers that "we will be as fair and honest regarding this column's content as we would in our own newspapers. And besides," the delegate adds, "if anything goes wrong, it's Israel's fault."\nSuch bold action is not cheap. To ensure that the reconstruction of this column is a lasting success, Mr. Egbeater has issued an appeal for $124 million -- a low estimate, and certainly within the reach of stingy, developed (particularly English-speaking, non-Canadian) countries. The American government may believe it is doing well by sending a new word processor; Australia may think a copy of "Blimey, It's Grammar, Mate!" is enough -- but the world knows differently.