Panel offers 'coming out' aid

When junior Owen Sutkowski was 13 years old, he felt like he was somehow different from his peers. Then, when he surfed the Internet for the first time at his hometown's public library, within 10 minutes, he realized something.\nHe was gay.\nHe also found information on society's view on homosexuality. He then said he thought he didn't ever want to tell anyone about his sexuality.\nWithin the next three years, he was able to tell his mother, Cookie Sutkowski, just before the turn of the millennium.\n"She just said, 'Oh, I already knew that ... I just wish you would have told me earlier,'" Owen said. "From then on, my mom has been my strongest ally."\nOwen and Cookie shared their stories and views on coming out Thursday night in the Oak Room of the Indiana Memorial Union as part of a panel discussion titled "Coming Out for the Holidays."\nAndrew Shea, senior psychologist of IU's Counseling and Psychological Services, and Kathryn Brown, health educator at the IU Health Center, also were members of the panel.\nThe panel discussion, which Shea and Owen Sutkowski started last fall, urged gay, lesbian and bisexual students to find a support network at IU so they can understand their sexuality and gave advice to students considering coming out at home during the holiday vacation.\n"Having the support network (at school) helps them build confidence to come out at home for whatever holiday," Brown said. "Then, when they come back to school, they still have that support network."\nOwen said his allies helped him immensely through his coming-out experiences.\n"They would say, 'I'm here for you. If you need a friend, I'm here to call,'" Owen Sutkowski said. "They were there at the times I needed them."\nBrown said informal support groups are helpful, but there are organizations on campus offering alliances as well, including Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays; the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Student Support Services Center; and Counseling and Psychological Services, which were all sponsors of the event.\nThe panel also told the 20 guests that the holidays pose situations that sometimes include large family gatherings and alcohol, which are factors students planning to come out should take into consideration.\n"Don't feel pressured not to tell your extended family just because your parents tell you not to," Owen Sutkowski said. "If you want to tell them, then tell them. Sometimes you find support in the most unlikely situations."\nOwen also recommended GLBT students "test the waters" with family members if they are unsure of how they would react to their sexuality. Giving subtle hints and mentioning homosexuality in various situations and then gauging their response can help students know if it is the right time to come out.\nShea warned GLBT students about coming out after drinking alcohol during the holidays or coming out to someone who has been drinking.\n"Alcohol can really make a mood that is much more intense, and it can alter how they remember the situation," Shea said.\nOwen said once GLBT students come out, it is important for students to stay out, or the GLBT culture will not be able to make more progress.\n"We've come so far and made so many strides," Owen Sutkowski said. "If you go back in the closet, you let other people win."\nCookie Sutkowski also said a person is forever changed after coming out, even if he or she goes back in.\n"If you go back in the closet, you may shut that door pretty tightly," Cookie Sutkowski said, "but you can never completely close it. You're never the same again."\nOwen told the audience he regretted not coming out to his grandfather before he passed away and recommended that students come out before it may be too late for some family members.\n"Don't put it off," Owen Sutkowski said. "You never know what tomorrow brings." \n-- Contact staff writer Lori Snow at losnow@indiana.edu.