Gravy, baby

Thanksgiving, like communism, is a nice idea in theory. However, applied in actuality, this lovely, good-spirited holiday often produces massive amounts of chaos and torture. Not only are thousands of turkeys killed every year by Butterball firing squads, but relatives who have long been ostracized by the family suddenly begin to reappear -- like your Aunt Deb, who had been in prison for organizing international cock-fights, or your Uncle Earl, who can burp the lyrics to TLC's "Waterfalls." \nPerhaps I'm too cynical, or maybe my family is simply too dysfunctional, but every Thanksgiving I am reminded less and less of why we celebrate Thanksgiving. \nThis historical tale began on the day of Sept. 6, 1620. The Pilgrims, who set sail from Plymouth, England, on a ship called the Mayflower finally made it to the New World. When they got there, though, they didn't have enough to eat. Luckily, a group of local Native Americans befriended them and helped them find food. Soon the natives taught the settlers how to cultivate corn and grow native vegetables. Much rejoicing was done. They celebrated with a grand feast and invited the friendly Native Americans to join them.\nThat's when the pilgrims spiked the apple cider, killed the Indians and turned all of their teepees into a giant Starbucks. \nOriginally, this holiday was set for the last Thursday in November by Abe Lincoln. But Franklin Roosevelt hated Abe Lincoln and thought that his top-hat was stupid, so he decided to switch the date to a week earlier, justifying the change by stating, "Just cuz' I feel like it, so suck it." Plus, it gave shops an extra week to inflate prices for Christmas. \nI wonder why we even choose to commemorate this day -- because it is a historical fact that after the pilgrims came to America, the diseases they brought with them killed almost 98 percent of the Native American population. More than 11 million Indians died of smallpox, measles, diarrhea and diphtheria. Mmm, mmm! Somebody pass me the gravy!\nConsidering the unfortunate origin, this celebration now just seems way too phony. Current tradition has us celebrate with the same fabricated cheer and sugar-coated merriment history books use to misrepresent this tragic day.\nTell me if this scenario sounds familiar.\nEveryone in the family is reunited. Everyone talks, eats cheese cubes and tells the same bad jokes over and over. Despite the fact that some of your relatives have graduated from college, majoring in political science or biological engineering, the majority of the conversation revolves around the dog. "Ooooh, look at him drooling. Isn't that precious?" \nBecause your grandparents are around, no one cusses and everyone acts like they're characters on "Little House on the Prairie." Your living room becomes a sea of recently-ironed sweater vests and big, banana-shaped smiles. "Smile for the camera! Say cheese cubes!" \nYour mother, true to the sexual stereotype of women, slaves in the kitchen over the food. Your father, true to the sexual stereotype of men, penetrates the turkey with the big, hard butcher knife (a symbolic representation of male anatomy if I ever saw one). Sound familiar? \nStill, despite all of the bloodshed, bad relatives, stress, Native American exploitation, indigestion, fatal diarrhea and turkey genocide, this holiday is still pretty neat-o. After all, if you eat enough turkey, you can pass out on tryptophan and forget the whole day ever happened.\nI truly hope you all had a wonderful holiday with a week of good sleep and some ham with the fam. Because, for the last three weeks of the semester crammed with finals and endless studying, your life will be a living hell. Happy Thanksgiving, a few days late.